


Loose Threads

by hondansadeensommar



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band), The Unit: Idol Rebooting Project (TV), UNB (Band)
Genre: Angst, Chronic Illness, Epilepsy, Gen, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Major Illness, Platonic Relationships, Seizures, Sick Character, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-03-20 14:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 32,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13719621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hondansadeensommar/pseuds/hondansadeensommar
Summary: It was just a headache, right?





	1. Morning

Yuchan’s head was pounding as he woke up, making him groan slightly.  It had been his first night back in the A.C.E dorms after finishing the exclusive portion of his contract with The Unit, and he was _not_ happy to be waking up feeling less than his best.  There was no day off on their schedule; it had been months since A.C.E had done anything with all five members because of his contract, and there was a comeback already scheduled for the group now that he was able to work with his _hyungs_ again.  But the pounding in his head told Yuchan that this was _not_ going to be a good day.

“ _Yah_ … did the others let you be lazy, Channie?” Donghun teased, climbing onto Yuchan’s bed.  He’d always slept on an older style mat on the dorm’s floor, because there wasn’t enough space in the small room for five real beds.  The company had promised that they would be moving into a larger dorm, where they would have the space for him to get an actual bed, once everything was settled with the payments they were supposed to receive from Mix Nine and The Unit.  Still, it was something that was in process which meant that Yuchan was still sleeping in the floor most of the time when he was with his _hyungs_.

Yuchan could feel the older man wrapping his arms around his waist.  “Come on, _maknae_ … we have schedules to keep now that we’re making our comeback.”

“ _Hyung_ … let the _maknae_ sleep a little longer,” Junhee’s voice called from somewhere above them.  “He probably hasn’t slept much, with his other group activities.  You know how hard it is.”

“We don’t have that much longer before we have to leave, and he’s going to need to eat,” Donghun replied.  “They let him lose too much weight while he was with them…”

Yuchan shifted at Donghun’s words, wincing as the movement made the pain in his head flare violently.  “ _Yah_ … it’s too loud…” he began.

“Says the king of being loud and waking everyone up,” Junhee joked.  “Donghun- _hyung_ is right, though… you are going to need to get up soon and eat.  We have a busy schedule today.”

“Not hungry,” Yuchan replied.

There was a moment of silence, as Yuchan felt Donghun moving a hand to the side of his forehead.  “He’s warm, Junhee- _yah_.”

“ _Hyung_ …” Yuchan whined, forcing his eyes open and wincing away from the light in the room.  “It’s just a headache.  I’ll be okay, as soon as I get something for my head.”

“You have to eat something to take the painkillers, though,” Donghun replied.  Yuchan couldn’t help the whining noise that escaped his throat as the eldest of his members pulled him into a seated position.  His neck was sore, too, but Yuchan decided that it was better not to mention it to his _hyungs_ at that moment.  It would only make them worry more, and they didn’t have time for that with a comeback already scheduled and in the works.

Junhee had already left the room by the time Donghun managed to get Yuchan to his feet and headed out to the small living area.  Yuchan let his _hyung_ guide him over to the low couch, before Junhee pushed a bottle of water into his hand.  “Try and drink all of that, Channie.  We’ll get you something for your headache after breakfast.”

The dorm was thankfully quiet in the morning, given the fact that Yuchan was really the only morning person in the group.  Everyone else tried to sleep as much as possible, although they certainly weren’t difficult to wake up compared to what Yuchan had seen from other Idol groups on television shows.  Yuchan at least had the option to close his eyes as he worked on the bottle of water and try to get his headache to go away without having to take the promised pain medication.

“Eat this.”  Yuchan opened his eyes at the sound of Junhee’s voice, thankful to see that the man had given him a bowl of rice and some kimchi.  “When you’re finished I’ll get you something for your headache.”

“Thank you, _hyung_ ,” Yuchan replied, taking the bowl and spoon so that he could at least attempt to eat despite the fact that the idea of food was making him feel sick to his stomach.  Still, Yuchan knew that his _hyungs_ were right - he needed to eat, especially if he was going to attempt to go in and learn their new song with the rest of the group.

The food didn’t really sit well in Yuchan’s stomach, but it was at least staying down as he ate and tried to finish off the bottle of water, too.  Thankfully, Donghun seemed to be paying attention to what was going on and the elder man was there with two of the painkillers he’d been promised as soon as his bowl was empty.  “You sure you’re going to be okay to work today?  We can call manager- _hyung_ …”

“I’ll be fine, _hyung_ ,” Yuchan replied, taking the pills and swallowing them quickly with what was left of his bottle of water.  “It’s just a bad headache… not a big deal.”

“But you’ll tell us if it gets worse, right?” Donghun asked.

“Of course, _hyung_.”

Things got a little louder as Sehyoon and Byeongkwan woke up and joined them in the living room, and especially once they all had to start getting ready to head out to their company’s rehearsal room.  While Yuchan’s head and neck were definitely still hurting, the medication was starting to help by the time they were all dressed and ready to go.  Yuchan was thankful when Junhee pushed a pair of sunglasses and an extra bottle of water into his hands on the way out the door.  “Drink as much as you can today… hopefully you’re just dehydrated, and you’ll be better by the time we get to the studio.”

“Thanks, _hyung_.”

Everything about their twenty minute commute to the studio was uncomfortable and overwhelming; Yuchan hadn’t ever experienced a headache quite so bad before, but he still wasn’t prepared to admit that anything was wrong to his _hyungs_.  By the time they actually arrived at their destination to get to work, Yuchan’s headache had actually gotten worse instead of better and he was fighting back a wave of nausea that had started to creep up on him.

“ _Yah_ … you don’t look so good, Channie,” Byeongkwan commented, as Yuchan winced at the sound of everyone’s bags being dropped on the floor in front of the mirror.  “Maybe you should lay down for a while…”

“We have work to do,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head slowly.  His neck was stiff and sore, but he pushed through anyway because he wasn’t ready to admit that he’d somehow managed to get himself sick at the worst possible time.  He just needed to push through it for a few hours, until they were finished with their schedules and he could go home to the dorm and get some more sleep.

It was obvious that their vocal trainer had noticed Yuchan’s inability to focus, but after a few hours of work she seemed to realize that there wasn’t anything else they would be able to do at that moment.  “Get some rest, guys… we’ll pick up again tomorrow.”

“Let’s take ten, and then we’ll run some of our old choreography just to refresh everything,” Junhee suggested, once the trainer was gone.  Yuchan closed his eyes, sitting down against the mirror and trying to keep himself from getting sick.  “Sit out for a while, Yuchan- _ah_.”

Yuchan opened his eyes at the leader’s words, taking a bottle of water that Junhee was holding out to him and taking a few sips from the open bottle.  “I’m okay, _hyung_ …”

“Your headache isn’t going away,” Junhee replied, shaking his head as he knelt down next to Yuchan and put a hand on his shoulder.  “Just rest for a little while… you can join the rest of us again once you’ve had a chance to try and let your headache go away.”  Yuchan nodded, knowing that he wasn’t going to win this argument.  It would be easier to just listen to Junhee’s advice and stay seated for a little while, until the rest of the group believed that he was feeling better.

The sheer volume of the music as his _hyungs_ started to rehearse again didn’t help Yuchan’s situation in the slightest.  The heavy bass track of their debut song pounded into his head, making all of his symptoms only seem to get worse.  Eventually, the nausea got to be too much and Yuchan had to force himself to his feet to try and make it across the room to the sink so that he could be sick.  He only made it a few steps before the pain in his head became too much and his knees gave out, sending Yuchan crashing to the floor only a few feet away from the mirror.  His stomach heaved violently, and he found himself collapsing to one side once his stomach calmed down so that he wouldn’t face-plant in his own vomit.

The music had already been turned off by the time Yuchan was completely aware of what was going on, and he could feel someone rubbing his back.  “… okay, Yuchan- _ah_ … just breathe…”

“Junhee- _hyung_ said we need to keep him on his side,” Byeongkwan’s voice called from somewhere nearby.  “How’s he doing?”

“He’s stopped shaking, but I don’t think he’s completely awake,” Donghun’s voice replied, as Yuchan felt someone placing a cool, damp cloth against his forehead.  He was too confused and in too much pain in that moment to be able to figure out which of his _hyungs_ was doing anything; Yuchan just knew that they were there, taking care of him.

“ _Hyung_?”

“Hey… stay awake for us, Yuchan- _ah_ ,” Sehyoon’s voice commented softly, as a hand stroked through his hair.  “You’re okay… we’re going to get you to the hospital, and they’re going to figure out what’s wrong.”

“Hospital?” Yuchan asked, forcing his eyes open and trying to figure out what was happening despite the pain in his head and neck.  He tried to sit up, despite having Donghun and Sehyoon both trying to keep him from moving

“Stay still, Yuchan- _ah_ … you’re sick, you need to rest…”  Donghun managed to hold him down somehow, although Yuchan wasn’t completely sure what was going on around him.  “ _Aish_ , he’s burning up… I should have made him stay home today.”

Yuchan couldn’t help losing track of what was going on around him as he zoned in and out of consciousness, even as he felt people moving him around.  The next time he managed to open his eyes, Yuchan was on a gurney being loaded into the back of an ambulance with an IV already in the back of his hand.  “ _Hyung_ …” he called, as he saw Junhee standing at his feet.

“Don’t worry, Channie… I’m coming with you,” the leader replied as the paramedics strapped the gurney into place so that he would be safe.  As soon as they were done, Junhee was allowed to climb up and sit next to Yuchan, holding his hand as one of the paramedics worked on checking his vitals.  “You’re going to be okay, kid…”


	2. Worry

Junhee sighed as he stroked a hand through Yuchan’s hair, watching the _maknae_ sleep peacefully thanks to all of the different medications being pushed through his veins alongside the high doses of antibiotics designed to knock out whatever bacteria was making him so sick.  He was exhausted, having spent hours waiting in the emergency room with the younger man before they had finally been moved into an ICU room.  While they hadn’t been there for long, Yuchan had been sleeping for quite a while and Junhee wasn’t liking being so stuck in his own head while their _maknae_ was still so sick.  Meningitis was no joke, and Junhee wasn’t sure that he wanted to know just how bad it was going to get before the boy finally managed to pull through.  He couldn’t think about the fact that the boy might _not_ get through this.

“How is he?” Junhee looked up at the sound of Donghun’s voice from the split in the curtains surrounding the bed, thankful to see one of his _hyungs_ there as well.  Despite the fact that he was the group’s leader, sometimes Junhee felt unprepared to deal with some of the aspects of that job and wondered why he’d been chosen instead of Donghun.

“Sleeping… Dr. Kim said that he’d probably be out the rest of today,” Junhee replied, sighing.  “He had another seizure in the emergency room right after they started the antibiotics, so they haven’t been able to confirm that it’s bacterial meningitis.  But the pressure on his brain is coming down, so Dr. Kim said they should be able to do the lumbar puncture hopefully tomorrow morning.”

“ _Aish_ …” Donghun began.  “At least I can use that to convince Sehyoon- _ah_ that the antibiotics they’re putting all of us on aren’t ridiculous.”  Junhee couldn’t help smiling slightly at the older man’s joke, thankful for something to lighten the mood at least a little bit.  “You going to be okay, or do you want me to stay with him for a while so that you can go get some sleep?”

Junhee shook his head.  “I’m okay until his parents get here.”

“It’s going to be tomorrow morning at the earliest… there’s a nasty storm down near Jeju, and they can’t get any planes in or out of the island,” Donghun replied, moving to sit on the end of Yuchan’s bed.  “I can stay with him, if you want to go home and sleep…”

“I’d feel better if you would help manager- _hyung_ try and get in touch with the other Unit B guys.  They were with him recently… they all need to be checked out and get antibiotics, too,” Junhee replied, sighing.  “I should have forced him to tell the manager when you said he was running a fever.  If we’d gotten him here earlier…”

“Would we have brought him any earlier, though?” Donghun asked, interrupting Junhee’s train of thought.  “He never said anything about his neck, or the fact that he was feeling worse.  I doubt we would have gotten him to come in before he got that bad… and if he’d stayed home, we might be having a very different conversation right now.”

There was a prolonged silence as both of the older men watched Yuchan sleeping, with Junhee’s hand continuing to stroke through his hair as Donghun carefully squeezed the boy’s foot.  “Do they think he’s going to be okay?”

Junhee shrugged.  “He’s had seizures… it could be worse, but it’s definitely not good.”

There was another moment of silence, before Donghun stood up and put a hand on Junhee’s shoulder.  “Make sure you take care of yourself, too, Jun- _ah_.  They gave you the antibiotics, right?”  Junhee nodded.  “I’ll make sure someone brings you something to eat in a few hours.”

“Thanks, _hyung_.”

There wasn’t really much for Junhee to do as he sat with the sleeping _maknae_ , watching intently for any signs that he might be waking up or starting to have another seizure.

“ _Hyung_?”  Junhee sat up suddenly at the sound of the _maknae_ ’s voice weakly calling for him.  Yuchan’s eyes were open slightly, and Junhee could feel him weakly squeezing Junhee’s own hand.  “What happened?”

“You’re in the ICU… you had a seizure in the emergency room, and they think you might have bacterial meningitis,” Junhee explained, moving his hand out of the boy’s hair so that he could hit the button to call for a nurse.  “How are you feeling?”

“My head hurts,” Yuchan replied.  “You sound weird…”

Junhee raised an eyebrow, confused.  “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know… I can’t explain it…”. Junhee watched as the younger man closed his eyes again.  “I’m tired, _hyung_.”

“Then sleep, Channie,” Junhee replied.  “I’ll be here until your _eomma_ arrives in the morning.  You won’t be alone.”

By the time the nurse made her way into the curtained-off area, Yuchan had already fallen asleep again.  “Is everything okay?”

“He woke up for a minute, but I think he’s asleep again already,” Junhee replied, shaking his head.  “He said his head was still hurting, and that my voice sounded weird…”

The nurse nodded, checking the IV and starting to check Yuchan’s vitals again.  “I’ll make sure to note that down… he could just be disoriented, given all of the medications he’s being given.  But I’ll make sure that his doctor knows to talk to him about that when he wakes up again.”

Junhee nodded, turning back to watch the _maknae_ sleep again.  “How is he?”

“He’s stable… it’s hard to give much information, not knowing exactly what type of meningitis we’re dealing with.  But for right now, he’s doing about as well as can be expected under the circumstances,” the nurse replied.  “You’ve been given the antibiotics already, correct?”

“I have to take the next dose with dinner,” Junhee replied, pulling out the packet of pills from the pocket of his hoodie.

“Make sure you don’t forget… it’s especially important for you to take them, since you’ve been here with him for so long while there’s still a possibility that he’s contagious,” the nurse commented.  Junhee nodded, before tucking the pills back into his pocket and turning back to focus on the boy laying in the bed in front of him.

The only thing that happened to break up the monotony of watching Yuchan sleep was the arrival of dinner, brought by Byeongkwan and Sehyoon a few hours later.  “Where’s Donghun- _hyung_?” Junhee asked, as the two other members set out food for the three of them.

“Still working on contacting the other guys from The Unit,” Sehyoon replied.  “He and manager- _hyung_ have found most of them, but they’re having trouble getting through to Hansol and Marco.”

“We were instructed to remind you to take your antibiotics, too, _hyung_ ,” Byeongkwan added.  “Manager- _hyung_ doesn’t want anyone else to get sick.”

Junhee nodded, pulling out his packet of pills and popping out the next dose before swallowing it down, chased with some water out of a bottle that the other members had brought with them.  “I don’t want anyone else to get this sick… it’s bad enough that our Channie is in the hospital.  We don’t need anyone else to be down with this, too.”

The three ate in silence for a while, until Junhee noticed strange sounds coming from the sleeping _maknae_.  He turned to look at the boy, suddenly realizing that Yuchan wasn’t breathing properly and his whole body had become stiff.  Junhee shoved his food towards Sehyoon, jumping up to hit the nurse call button again.  “What…?” the elder began.

“He’s having another seizure…” Junhee replied, trying his best to get Yuchan on his side the way he’d seen the nurses in the emergency department do it earlier in the day.  Luckily, Byeongkwan seemed to get the message faster than Sehyoon, and the younger man was out the door to find someone in a matter of seconds.

Junhee wasn’t sure how long he stood there, holding the _maknae_ on his side even as nurses came into the room to help him, but by the time the seizure had stopped it was just about all he could do to walk out through the curtain to join Sehyoon and Byeongkwan while the nurses made sure that Yuchan was okay.  “That happened earlier, too?” Byeongkwan asked, obviously upset.

“Yeah,” Junhee replied, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes.  “I honestly thought the worst would be over by now…”

“The three of you should head to the waiting room… we’ll have someone come get you once he’s stable,” a nurse commented, ushering the three of them away from door and out of the ICU.  “Take a seat out here.  We’ve got it under control.”

The waiting room was small, and Junhee was thankful that Byeongkwan and Sehyoon were there with him to keep him from immediately jumping to the worst possible conclusion.  “ _Aish_ … this is bad,” Sehyoon commented, once the three of them were sat down in one corner of the room.

“I’m worried, _hyung_ …” Byeongkwan began.

Junhee nodded, watching as Sehyoon put an arm around the younger man.  “He’s going to be okay… they can fix this.”

“ _Hyung_ is right… they’re going to take good care of our Channie, and he’ll be back to annoying all of us in a couple of weeks…” Junhee added.

They were silent for a while, although Junhee could see Sehyoon texting their manager the news about Yuchan’s current condition.  It was unsettling to see the words written down - that the boy had suffered another seizure, and they were waiting to see what would happen next.  But it was their reality in that moment, and Junhee knew that it was something they would have to figure out how to deal with once they had a better idea of what was happening to their _maknae_.

“You’re here with Kang Yuchan- _ssi,_ correct?” an unfamiliar doctor asked, almost an hour later.

“Yes… is he okay?” Junhee asked, standing up to talk to the man.

“I’m Dr. Byun… Dr. Kim was unavailable, so I’ve stepped in for tonight to take over Yuchan- _ssi_ ’s care,” the doctor replied.  “Yuchan- _ssi_ began seizing again after you left… we’ve managed to stop the seizures with medication and stabilize him, but we had to place him on a ventilator due to the side effects of the anticonvulsant medication needed to stop that seizure.  At this point, it’s in his best interests to be sedated so that we can hopefully limit the damage being caused to his brain…” 

“What are the chances that he’ll pull through this?” Sehyoon asked softly.

The doctor took a deep breath, sighing.  “He’s very sick… the seizure activity is concerning, and his fever is still fairly high.  Bacterial meningitis is an extremely serious condition, and he was already extremely sick when he came in.  We’re doing what we can, but at this point all we can do is wait it out and provide as much support as possible in the hopes that his brain and body will heal.”


	3. Awake

Yuchan’s throat hurt as he forced his eyes open, confused as to why he was sitting up in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his face.  He could see wires coming out of the neck of the hospital gown he wore, and there was an IV in the back of his right hand.  The last thing he could really remember was waking up in his bed with a massive headache, although logically he knew that _something_ bad had happened.  That thought was reinforced when he saw his mother standing next to his bed; if the company had called his mother to come all the way to Seoul, it must have been _really_ bad.  “ _Eomma_ …” he began, trying to reach up towards the woman.  He didn’t have the strength to get his hand more than a few inches off the mattress, but it was enough as Yuchan saw his mother turning to face him.

“Hey, baby,” his mother said, smiling at him for a moment before she leaned down to press a kiss against his forehead.  Yuchan could see the tears in her eyes as she pulled back, gently stroking a hand through his hair.  “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Yuchan admitted, closing his eyes.  “What’s going on?”

“You’ve been in a drug-induced coma,” his mother replied.  “You’re going to be okay now, but you’ve been really sick for the past few days.”

Yuchan couldn’t help noticing the fact that his mother’s voice was muffled and sounded off; he forced his eyes open so that he could watch her talking, trying to figure out why everything sounded so strange.  “You don’t sound right…” he began, shaking his head.

“What do you mean, Channie?”

Yuchan shook his head slowly, still trying to figure out what was wrong.  “Your voice… it’s like you’re talking into a pillow…”  It wasn’t a completely accurate description, but it was the best his tired brain could come up with in that moment.  Despite the fact that he’d only just woken up, Yuchan was exhausted.

“You’re still recovering from being sick… I’m sure that things will be normal again once you’ve gotten all of the medication out of your system,” his mother replied.  “You should try to rest.  You’ve had a rough week, and you don’t need to push yourself…”

“How long?”

“What?”  

Yuchan could see the confusion in his mother’s face at his question, even though it seemed perfectly logical to him in that moment.  “How long was I asleep?”

The woman sighed, running a hand through his hair.  “Five days.  They tried to wake you up yesterday, after your fever finally broke, but you had a seizure and they decided that it would be better to give your body more time to recover…”

“But the comeback…”

“Has been delayed,” his mother replied, placing a hand on Yuchan’s shoulder as he weakly attempted to get up.  “They wanted to make sure no one else got sick… especially Junhee- _yah_ , because he stayed with you until I could get here.  And they were hoping that you would at least feel up to recording the audio track, even if you aren’t well enough to dance and promote with the rest of the group.”  Yuchan nodded slowly, finally allowing himself to close his eyes and start to relax.  “Just rest for now, baby.  I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Yuchan wasn’t sure exactly how long he had slept when he did finally wake up again, but he could tell that it was late; the lights in the room had been dimmed, and he could see his mother asleep in a chair next to his bed.  His mouth was dry, and his throat was still sore as he fumbled around, trying to find the button to call for a nurse so that he wouldn’t have to wake his mother.  It took a minute for Yuchan to figure out where the button was and to actually press the button, which was made difficult by the fact that he was still weak from being sick for so long.

A nurse arrived a moment later, smiling at him as she walked up to the bed.  “How are you feeling, Yuchan- _ssi_?” she asked, checking the IV pump beside his bed.

“My mouth is dry…” he began, as the nurse checked his pulse.

“I’ll get you some water,” the nurse replied with a smile.  “Just hang tight for a minute, okay?  I’ll be right back.”

Yuchan was thankful that the woman was back quickly, with a plastic cup of water and a straw, which she brought to him.  “We’re going to go slowly to start off with… just a couple of sips at a time so that you don’t risk making yourself sick,” the nurse commented, holding the cup so that he could drink through the straw and take a couple of small sips.  Yuchan wanted to drink more, but the nurse pulled the straw away.  “It’s going to take some time for your body to start working normally again.  For right now, we have to go slowly.”  Yuchan nodded, closing his eyes for a moment.

“Is that why everything sounds strange?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”  

There was something about the nurse’s tone of voice that told Yuchan there was something wrong with the question he’d asked, and he couldn’t help turning to watch the woman’s reaction as he explained what he meant.  “Everything sounds like I’m underwater… it’s muffled…”

“That’s definitely _not_ normal,” the nurse replied, shaking her head.  “Hearing loss is a common complication of meningitis… I’ll make sure that the doctors know that we need to make sure your hearing is checked as soon as possible.”

Yuchan felt sick at the possibility.  “But they can fix it, right?”

The pitying look on the nurse’s face told Yuchan everything, before she even began to speak.  “No, they can’t.”  Yuchan closed his eyes, trying to process what the nurse was saying.  “If your hearing loss is severe enough, they may prescribe hearing aids that will help you…”

“I’m a singer…” Yuchan began, shaking his head.  “If I lose my hearing…”

“You have at least some of your hearing intact - if your hearing loss is in the mild range, it may not even affect your ability to sing,” the nurse reassured.  “You’re going to be okay, Yuchan- _ssi_.  You’re still young, and this is just a minor setback.”

Yuchan nodded slowly, closing his eyes again.  It was all more than he could really process at that moment, and he just wanted to shut it all out for a moment.  “I can’t do this… I can’t talk about this…”

“Okay… that’s okay,” the nurse replied, stroking a hand through his hair.  “Try and get some rest now.  It’s late, and your body needs rest to heal.”

Waking up again to find a completely different nurse standing next to his bed was disorienting, as Yuchan watched the woman working to change out the medications being pumped through his IV.  “Where’s the other nurse?”

“Shift change happened a couple of hours ago… but this is the first you’ve really been awake since I’ve come on shift,” the nurse replied, before moving a bit closer to the bed.  “Your mother had to step out for a few minutes to make a phone call, but she should be right back.  Do you need anything before I go?”

“Can I get some water, please?”  

The woman nodded, smiling at him again as she picked up the cup that Yuchan remembered from his encounter with the earlier nurse.  “Of course.  Small sips, though - just a little bit at a time.”

Yuchan was thankful for the nurse’s help, given the fact that he wasn’t sure he would be able to hold the cup on his own.  Every movement he attempted to make seemed much harder than it should have been.  “Why am I so weak…?”

“Being sick will zap your energy, and being in a coma means that you haven’t been able to move and work your muscles… you’ll be weak for a while, but we’ll have physical therapy coming in over the next few days to work with you and help you get your strength back,” the nurse replied.  “Not to mention the fact that you haven’t eaten… which is something else we’ll have to work on, because your digestive system hasn’t been working for several days.  We don’t want you to get sick from trying to push yourself too far too quickly.”

“Is everything okay?”  Yuchan smiled as he saw his mother coming back into the room.

“It’s fine, _Eomma_ ,” he replied.

“He’s doing well… we were just talking a little about what he can expect in the next few days,” the nurse added.  “He can have water if he wants it, but just a little bit at a time for now.  We’ll start a liquid diet later today, and slowly increase how much he’s taking in and eventually get him started on a normal diet as well.”

Yuchan’s mother smiled, moving closer to sit next to him again and stroke her fingers through his hair.  “How are you feeling?”

“Okay… just tired,” Yuchan replied, leaning into the woman’s touch.  “Can you call and make sure Junhee- _hyung_ and the others are okay?”

“They’re fine, baby… I was just talking to them to let them know that you were awake.  They’re just waiting to hear from us that you’re feeling up to having more visitors before they come down to see you, so that you aren’t overwhelmed.”

“Tomorrow?” Yuchan asked, letting his eyes close as the exhaustion began to take hold again.  “They probably have schedules already for today…”

“Of course… I’ll let them know in a little while.  You go ahead and rest,” his mother replied.


	4. We're A Team

Yuchan watched as the audiologist looked over the paperwork that had been generated by his hearing test, trying to figure out what kind of news he would receive when the man had finished evaluating the results.  He was nervous; the idea that there might be permanent damage to his ears was terrifying to Yuchan, because he had no idea what that might mean for the future of his career.  “Unfortunately, the news isn’t what we were hoping to find,” the doctor finally said, looking up at him.  “Your hearing loss is mild, but it is still significant enough that I think it would be wise to consider hearing aids of some kind.”

Yuchan closed his eyes, shaking his head.  “This can’t be happening…”

“I know that it’s difficult to hear this kind of news.  But this is not a catastrophic situation that we’re talking about - the hearing aids are a tool that we can use to make your life easier.  They aren’t a requirement, and you can try them out for a few days before you make a final decision,” the doctor replied.

“But I’m a singer…” Yuchan began, shaking his head.  “If I can’t do my job…”

“Yuchan- _ssi_ … I’m aware of who you are, which is the only reason I’m even suggesting the aids before you’ve had a chance to try getting along without them,” the doctor interrupted.  “It’s going to take more work on your part, but you can overcome this.  Most of your hearing is still intact, and this doesn’t have to be the end of your career.”

“I think he just needs some time to process…”  Yuchan turned to look at his mother as the woman spoke, thankful for her presence as he tried not to break down in front of the audiologist.  “You aren’t exactly the first doctor to give us news that we were hoping not to hear today.”

Yuchan closed his eyes, turning his face towards the blanket covering his legs.  He didn’t want to think about the fact that he’d had another seizure that morning; although it had been brief, the neurologist had explained that it would mean he would spend at least the next few months on medications to prevent further seizures - and potentially the rest of his life.

“What if I don’t use them?” Yuchan asked, not looking up.  “How necessary are they, really?”

“Unfortunately, the only way to figure out what you’ll get without them versus what you’ll miss is to go out in the world and see for yourself,” the doctor replied.  “I can generalize for you a bit, based on what I’ve heard from my other patients, but I can’t give you any definite answers because each patient is different.  Having conversations in public will be difficult - the background noise will make it hard for you to understand what’s being said, as will having multiple people talking to you at once.  There will be things you’ll miss completely without hearing aids, including some pitches in music because those frequencies have been lost.”

“You should try them… the worst that can happen is they won’t work well and you stop using them,” his mother commented.

“I can let you think about it for a day or two… it isn’t as if this is a medical emergency.  And you can always change your mind later, no matter what you choose to do.  I’ll be back tomorrow to answer any questions you may think of, and we can continue this discussion then,” the audiologist replied.

Yuchan didn’t look up as the doctor left, even as his mother thanked the man.  There was a prolonged silence, before his mother spoke again.  “What is it going to hurt to try the hearing aids?” she asked softly.  It was clear to Yuchan that his mother was choosing her words carefully.  “It isn’t as if you’ll be forced to use them if they don’t work or they make you uncomfortable when you try them.  Just give them a few days.  A week, even.  Test them out and see what they can do.”

“ _Eomma_ … I _need_ my hearing.  How can I sing if I can’t hear it properly?” Yuchan asked.

“Channie… that’s all the more reason that you should try the hearing aids,” his mother replied.  “I think you need to talk to your _hyungs_ , and to the companies.  Figure all of this out together… I’m sure that at least the other members of A.C.E would be willing to work with you.  The companies can’t just terminate your contract without cause…”

“I’m pretty sure that losing my hearing is cause to cancel my contract, _Eomma_ ,” Yuchan replied, cutting her off.  “I’m no good to them like this…”

“Like what?”  Yuchan looked up at the sound of a voice coming from the doorway, surprised to see his _hyungs_ standing there.  He wasn’t sure who’d spoken, but his best guess was that it had been Byeongkwan, who looked more confused while the rest of his _hyungs_ looked surprised.  His guess was confirmed when the older man spoke again and Yuchan was able to recognize that it was the same voice despite the changes in how Yuchan heard everything.  “What’s wrong, Channie?”

It was clear that none of his _hyungs_ had heard the first part of his conversation with his mother, and Yuchan looked down at the bed again for a moment.  He wasn’t sure how to say it out loud - how to be the one to tell them just how much his illness was going to mess up _everyone’s_ lives, rather than just his own.  “Tell them, Yuchan- _ah_ ,” his mother commented, barely loud enough for Yuchan to hear her.

“Do we have to do this now?” Yuchan asked.

“They need to know,” his mother replied, putting a hand on his knee and squeezing it gently.  “It’s going to affect them, too, one way or another…”  

Yuchan took a deep breath, closing his eyes.  “There were complications from the meningitis.  I’m still having seizures.  And I’ve lost some of my hearing.”

Donghun was the first one to make it to Yuchan’s side as he started to break down, unable to fight back the tears that had been barely held back from the first moment he’d found out that his life was going to change so dramatically.  Yuchan could tell from the scent of the man’s cologne as he was pulled into a tight hug, broken only long enough for the elder man to pull back slightly so that he could speak directly into Yuchan’s ear.  “It’s okay, Channie… we can figure this out.  We’re still going to be here for you, no matter what happens.”  As soon as Donghun was done speaking, Yuchan was pulled tight to the man’s chest again and allowed to just cry and let everything out.  The eldest of his _hyungs_ seemed to understand that he just needed a way to release all of the emotions that he’d been trying to control.

Yuchan didn’t remember falling asleep, but he was thankful to find himself pulled close against someone’s chest as he started to wake up.  “What are we going to do?” a voice asked.  Yuchan was too tired to open his eyes and figure out who was talking, especially given the fact that he was not sure that the conversation would continue if his _hyungs_ knew that he was awake.

“He’ll have to tell both companies,” Donghun’s voice began.  The elder man was obviously the one still holding him, because Yuchan could feel the vibrations as Donghun spoke.  “There isn’t anything we can do without them backing us up.  I’m willing to do whatever I can to help Channie keep up with us, but I don’t know how things are going to work with the Unit group…”

“The guys will be willing to help.  I can’t be sure that the company will be willing to work with him, but he won’t be pushed out by the group members.”  Yuchan felt fairly certain that it was Junhee speaking, given the fact that their leader knew the other members of the Unit group while the rest of his _hyungs_ really weren’t familiar with them. 

There was a moment of silence.  “I can’t think of anyone else in this business that’s hard of hearing.  We’re going to have to fight to keep him…” one of the unidentified voices began.  “I want him to stay more than anything - we’ve all been through so much together.  But we can’t pretend that this isn’t going to make everything harder…”

“It can’t be that bad, can it?  I mean, he’s able to have a conversation,” another voice replied.  “We’re a team.  We can figure this out, right?”

“I’m in for whatever we can do to help him,” Donghun commented.  “I told him we would figure this out, and I’m not backing out on my promise.”

“We’re a team,” someone commented.  “If Channie wants to do this, I’ll help.”

“Same,” another voice replied.

“Okay… but I don’t think we should let him talk to the company by himself.  They need to know that we’re all in, no matter what we need to do to help him,” Junhee replied.

“Agreed,” Donghun replied.  “If we can show them that we’re serious about staying together as a team, surely it will be easier to convince the company that this is a possibility.”


	5. Going Home

Yuchan was _not_ a fan of having to sit in a wheelchair, but it was hospital policy that he wasn’t allowed to walk out on his own and all he really cared about at that point was being released.So he sucked it up as a nurse pushed him down a hall towards the entrance with his mother following closely behind.A.C.E’s manager had gone down already to pull around his car, which would be taking Yuchan and his mother back to the group’s dorm.Although he was being released from the hospital, everyone had agreed that Yuchan was still far too weak to make the trip back to Jeju.The decision had been made that he and his mother would stay at the group’s dorm for a few days at least, and they would make a decision whether or not he was staying in Seoul or going home to finish recovering once he’d been cleared to travel.

The conversation with their manager and CEO about Yuchan’s hearing loss and the group’s determination to keep him in the group had gone surprisingly well; although there were still details that had to be worked out - things like hearing aid fittings and vocal lessons to determine just what limits they would be dealing with - everyone at Beat seemed to be on board.Whether or not the team he worked with from The Unit would be the same was anyone’s guess.He’d gotten text messages from the other guys, but Yuchan honestly wasn’t sure how much they knew about his current situation given the fact that his home company had only released a statement that he was hospitalized due to meningitis.

Yuchan could hear the crowd outside of the hospital’s lobby before he could see them, and he was shocked by just how many people were there.“Did someone from a _sunbae_ group get hurt?” Yuchan asked the nurse, trying to turn towards the woman in the seat.He couldn’t understand the woman’s response; the sheer amount of unintelligible sound was overwhelming, and Yuchan was struggling to process the fact that there were so many people between them and the manager’s car.

It wasn’t until they were actually outside that Yuchan realized the people waiting outside were there to see _him_.While he couldn’t understand what they were saying due to the sheer volume and number of voices, it was clear that everyone was talking to him and trying to get his attention.Bits and pieces of what they were saying made it through the filter of his hearing loss and the fog of exhaustion that was still weighing heavily on his brain, but it wasn’t enough for him to be able to piece together an answer to anything so he simply waved at the crowd of girls and smiled behind the mask he’d been given.As soon as they got out to the car, Yuchan’s mother and the manager were quick to help him into the front seat so that there was something between him and all of the people determined to get his attention.

“How are you feeling, Yuchan- _ah_?” the manager asked, once they were all in the car and driving away from the noise and chaos outside of the hospital.

“Tired… were all those people really waiting outside to see _me_?”

“It looks like it,” the manager replied.

Yuchan felt his mother putting a hand on his shoulder and turned to look at the woman so that he could understand what she was saying.“You’ve got a lot of people rooting for you, baby,” she commented.

“Will they feel the same way when they find out how much has changed?” Yuchan asked.“They know me as a main vocal… that’s what they love me for.If I can’t be that person any more, will they still care about me?”

“You’re still Kang Yuchan.You’re still the same person you were before you got sick,” his mother replied, squeezing his shoulder.“Your group members and your company want to help you, and I believe that you can do this.”

“Thank you, _eomma_.”

Yuchan relaxed back into his seat, letting his eyes close as they drove through the city.Although he hadn’t done much more than sleep since he’d woken up from the coma, Yuchan was still exhausted and the urge to nap for a little while was too strong to be ignored.

Yuchan woke up to someone unbuckling his seatbelt and started to move his arm so that they could pick him up.“I can walk…” Yuchan began, forcing his eyes open to see Junhee standing next to the open car door.“I’m okay, _hyung_.”

“You need to rest,” Junhee began.

“I also need to use my muscles, so that I can get back to normal,” Yuchan countered, moving to get out of the car on his own.He could tell that Junhee was reluctant to let him stand up, but the man eventually nodded and stepped back just enough to allow Yuchan to get out of the vehicle.The man was quick to take his arm as Yuchan wobbled slightly; his balance had been slightly off ever since he’d woken up, although his doctor had assured them that if he took care of himself and continued with the balance exercises prescribed by the physical therapist it would be resolved in a few weeks.

Although he’d been walking a good bit in the hospital with the physical therapist’s assistance, climbing the stairs to the small apartment the boys all shared was significantly harder than Yuchan had expected.He was thankful for Junhee’s help when he realized just how difficult it was to get up the stairs, although he had no desire to admit that he was struggling.

“You should lay down… get some rest,” Junhee suggested.“We’re going to go to a dance class in a little while, so it’ll be quiet.”

“I should go…” Yuchan began.

“There is no way you’re going anywhere near a dance studio for at least a couple of weeks.”Yuchan was surprised to hear their manager’s words; he hadn’t realized that the man was following them up to help his mother with her suitcase.“Your doctor said to rest, and that’s exactly what you’re going to do.I need you to be awake and functioning tomorrow morning, because you have an appointment with the audiologist to get your hearing aids at ten.Priority number one is figuring out how this is going to affect your voice - the dancing will come later, once we have a better idea of what changes we’ll need to make in order to make this work.”

“Even if the doctor hadn’t said that, you don’t have the strength right now to even walk all the way to the subway station to get there,” his mother added.“You’re going to lay down on the couch and relax while everyone else is at dance class.And I’m going to feed you, because you need to gain back the weight you’ve lost in the hospital.”Yuchan knew that there was definitely no arguing with his mother; the woman wasn’t going to let him out of her sight for even a moment. 

The dorm was cleaner than Yuchan remembered it; clearly, his _hyungs_ had put in some work to make sure that everything was tidy before he and his mother arrived there.But what confused Yuchan the most was the fact that he could see through the doorway into their shared bedroom.It had been rearranged somewhat - Yuchan could see that they had somehow managed to squeeze in a third bunk bed during the time he’d been away.There wasn’t much space in the room because of all the beds, but Yuchan could see that his bedding had been put on the new bottom bunk and Sehyoon’s had been moved to the bed above his own so that Yuchan’s mother would have a bed as well.

“You bought me a bed?” he asked, turning to look at the manager.

“It was already in the works before you went into the hospital,” the man replied.“It was delivered the day you got sick, actually… we’d planned to have it waiting for you when you got back from the UNB dorms, but it was delayed.”

“We moved things around so that your mother could have a bottom bunk, in case you needed something during the night,” Donghun added, coming out of the bathroom just in time to hear what was being said.

“We’re still working on the new dorm… but we’ve figured out how to make what we have work for now,” the manager replied.“Why don’t you go ahead and lay down?You’ve been up for a while, and I’m sure you’re exhausted.”


	6. Rehearsals

Yuchan felt strange sitting in their rehearsal room again, even though things had changed so much.While he still wasn’t completely back to normal, Yuchan’s doctors had cleared him to get back to work on a modified schedule only two weeks after he’d been released from the hospital.There were conditions attached, of course; he was only cleared for vocal rehearsals and other low-stress activities, with the stipulation that he had to be allowed to rest when he got tired.Dancing was still completely off-limits for at least a few more days, because he still needed more time to fully recover from being ill.Although he had more energy than he had when he’d been released from the hospital, Yuchan still got tired easily and needed to stop and rest more frequently than normal.

Yuchan hadn’t bothered to put in his hearing aids yet; the devices were still foreign, and Yuchan wasn’t completely comfortable with them yet.While choosing not to wear them made it difficult for Yuchan to hear anything that was being said to him during their commute, his _hyungs_ had been understanding when he’d explained that he was uncomfortable wearing them in public.It was still a new situation for all of them, but everyone seemed to be doing what they could to make the adjustment easier for Yuchan.

There was a hand on Yuchan’s shoulder, pulling his attention to Junhee as Byeongkwan and the others got everything set up for vocal rehearsals.“We’re going to start with the old songs… you should put in your hearing aids…” the leader began.

“I want to try without them,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.He didn’t want to admit that he needed the devices on any level; the last thing Yuchan wanted was to publicly admit that he had been left with a permanent disability from his illness.

“Channie…” Junhee began.

“Please, _hyung_ … I want to try doing this without them.I know it’s going to be hard, but I want to try,” Yuchan interrupted.

The leader sighed, before nodding.“Okay.We’ll give it a little while.But you’ll use them if you need to, right?”Yuchan nodded, thankful that his _hyung_ seemed to understand just how much he needed to do this on his own.

Warming up wasn’t that bad; while there were some notes that Yuchan struggled a bit more with, his _hyungs_ did their best to help him make the necessary adjustments so that he could get to the right notes without much of a problem.He wasn’t sure how it was going to work once their vocal trainer actually joined them, but it worked for him in that moment.

Yuchan didn’t notice that their vocal trainer had arrived until she walked in front of them, smiling.Thankfully the woman seemed to know already that it was easier for him to understand what was going on when people spoke to him directly, rather than from somewhere behind him.“Yuchan- _ah_ … it’s good to have you back.How are you feeling?”

“Much better, _seonsaeng-nim_ ,” he replied, returning her smile.“I’m only back for vocal rehearsals so far, but it’s nice to be able to do something productive again.”

“Right… then let’s get started.”

Working with the vocal trainer was much harder than warming up with his _hyungs_ had been.Although she was patient, it was obvious that she was getting frustrated with repeatedly having to correct Yuchan on the exact same notes.It was frustrating to him, too; he wanted to be able to sing the way he always had, without having to cause problems for everyone around him.“ _Mianheyo, seonsaeng-nim_.”

“Let’s take a break, and we’ll try it again.Do you have the hearing aids with you?”

Yuchan nodded slowly.“I wanted to try and do it on my own…” he began.

The trainer sighed, smiling sadly at him.“Perhaps it would be better if we started you off wearing them… once you’ve learned how to control your voice without being able to hear all of the notes, we can move you off of them again,” she suggested.Yuchan nodded, moving to his backpack and pulling out the little case he kept the devices in and carefully placing them in his ears again before turning them on and adjusting the volume so that he could hear more clearly without the devices making the obnoxious buzzing noise his _hyungs_ had complained about when he’d first started trying to use them.

While the hearing aids were helpful, Yuchan couldn’t help feeling like a bit of a failure when their training session was finished.He’d done significantly better with the hearing aids, but there were still notes that weren’t working well and it was frustrating.“You’re doing a lot better already,” Byeongkwan commented, squeezing Yuchan’s shoulder as he walked over to sit down on the couch in the corner while his _hyungs_ started to get ready for dance practice.

Yuchan shook his head.“I still can’t sing properly…”

“It’s been one rehearsal,” Byeongkwan replied.“You just need more time…”

Yuchan wasn’t sure how he ended up laying down on the couch a second later, with someone running a hand through his hair.All he really knew was that his head was aching, and every muscle in his body felt like it had been turned to jelly.

“… didn’t hit his head.”

“As long as he wakes up without having another seizure, we don’t need to call an ambulance,” Junhee’s voice commented.“You did good, Byeongkwan- _ah_ …”

“I’m just glad it’s over… I don’t like seeing him like this,” Byeongkwan replied.

“At least the medication is helping - I think this is the first one he’s had this week,” Junhee commented.“How’s he doing?”

Yuchan slowly forced his eyes open, blinking at the brightness of the room as he tried to focus on Donghun’s face.The eldest of his _hyungs_ smiled at him.“Hey… you’re okay, kid.Do you think you can sit up for me?”

Yuchan could get his mouth to move, but the words he wanted to say wouldn’t come out.All he could really get out were some unintelligible noises, and Yuchan whined slightly at the frustration of not being able to even answer simple questions from his _hyungs_.

“I think he needs a few more minutes,” Byeongkwan replied.Yuchan felt someone rubbing small circles on his back.“It’s okay, Channie… you’re okay.Take your time.”

“Is there anything I can do?”Yuchan recognized the voice of their vocal trainer, and he tried to turn towards the woman’s voice but his _hyungs_ wouldn’t let him move onto his back so that he could find her.

“We’ve got it under control.But thank you, _seonsaeng-nim_ ,” Junhee replied.

“Is his mother still at your dorm?I could drive him back…”

“She went home this morning,” Sehyoon replied.“It’s better if he stays here with us, where we can keep an eye on him.If he were to have a seizure while he was alone, there’s a chance he could get sick and choke…”

Yuchan finally managed to get his mouth to connect with his brain enough to respond to the question he’d been asked a few moments earlier.“… tired…”

“I’m sure… do you want to try and take a nap?” Donghun questioned, stroking a hand through his hair.Yuchan nodded slowly, reaching up to his hearing aids and trying to take them out despite the fact that his hands didn’t want to work properly.“Let me help…”

Yuchan tried to push his _hyung’s_ hands away, but he was too exhausted to actually make it known that he didn’t want any help with the devices.Donghun had them both out and turned off quickly, before leaving to tuck them away in Yuchan’s bag and grab a pair of earbuds that would help block out some of the noise of the rest of the group continuing to rehearse.

“I have to get up now, Channie… do you want to use my coat as a pillow?”Somehow, Yuchan hadn’t registered the fact that he was using Sehyoon’s thigh as a pillow until the elder man spoke again.Yuchan nodded, letting his _hyungs_ help him sit up just enough for Sehyoon to get up from the couch as Junhee balled up a coat and placed it carefully underneath Yuchan’s head.Donghun brought him the headphones, helping Yuchan put them in his ears before Yuchan closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift off to sleep.


	7. Break

Junhee watched as Yuchan pulled out two new prescription bottles, setting them in the row along with his other medications as if there was nothing at all strange about the situation as Junhee worked on cleaning up the dishes from the group’s dinner.“They gave you two new medications?” Junhee asked.

“It’s just a refill on two different strengths of the same one I’ve been on the whole time… they upped my medication again, and they don’t make 600 mg pills,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.“I’m supposed to take one of the 400s and one of the 200s each dose… but in a few weeks, once the medication levels are more stable, he wants to try and bring it down to the lower end of the dosage chart.”

“Why are they going to pull it back?You’ve still been having seizures…” Junhee began, confused.

“It isn’t at therapeutic levels in my system yet,” Yuchan replied.“Higher doses mean more chances for side effects… they don’t want me to stay on 1200 unless that’s what I need to keep the seizures under control.”Junhee nodded, watching as Yuchan opened another bottle and pulled out the last of his antibiotics, swallowing down the pill and chasing it with another drink of water.“At least this is the last dose of the antibiotics.”

“You’d think they would make the pills in the dosages doctors prescribe,” Junhee commented, turning back to his task as Yuchan tossed the pill bottle and picked up a kitchen towel to dry the dishes Junhee had finished watching.

“I dunno… I just take what they tell me I need to take,” Yuchan replied.

The two worked in silence for a few minutes, with Yuchan putting away the dishes that Junhee had placed on the drying rack.It was strangely normal, after more than a month of things being turned upside down by Yuchan’s illness.

What wasn’t normal was the sound of a coffee mug hitting the floor at their feet.Junhee immediately turned to look at Yuchan, ignoring the broken stoneware in favor of trying to watch the _maknae_ for any signs that he was about to have another seizure.The boy was still on his feet, but his right hand was jerking repeatedly in an uncontrolled movement and it was clear that Yuchan was no longer aware of what was going on any more given his blank stare.Junhee knew from experience that Yuchan was going to collapse and have a full tonic-clonic seizure at any moment.

“ _Hyung_!” Junhee yelled, dropping what he was doing and moving to the _maknae’s_ side to guide his body safely to the floor as he waited for someone else to come join him in taking care of the younger man.

Donghun was there a moment later, pulling out his phone and starting a timer before kneeling next to Junhee to help him keep Yuchan on his side and grabbing a cushion from a nearby chair to place under the _maknae’s_ head so that he wouldn’t be hurt when the actual convulsions started.“How long has he been seizing?” the elder man asked.

“Not long… he was helping me wash dishes.I noticed the seizure when he dropped Byeongkwan- _ah_ ’s favorite mug…” Junhee replied.

They were used to Yuchan’s seizures after a month of dealing with them on their own, and the group had developed their own routine for dealing with them - whoever was with him at the time would call for someone else to come help, and they would quickly get him on the ground before the convulsive phase of the seizure actually started.From there it was simply a matter of waiting it out, as long as there were no complicating factors like Yuchan getting injured or an excessively long seizure.

After a minute of the strange hand movements, Junhee was surprised to see Yuchan’s eyes simply close for a moment before the _maknae_ opened them again, looking obviously confused about why he was lying on the ground.“Hey, Channie… you’re okay,” Junhee commented softly, rubbing the man’s back.“You had a seizure, but you’re safe.Donghun- _hyung_ and I are here with you.”

“How bad was it?”The fact that Yuchan was able to form a coherent thought so quickly was also surprising; it normally took him several minutes to recover enough to be able to get out more than a few non-sensical noises or one word from the middle of whatever he was thinking.

“You didn’t ever actually start convulsing,” Donghun replied, smoothing Yuchan’s hair.“That’s a first…”

“It’s still a seizure…” Yuchan began.

“But it’s still an improvement.”Junhee watched as Yuchan nodded slowly, before starting to sit up as Donghun turned off the timer on his phone.“Do you need a minute?”

“I need a new brain,” Yuchan muttered, leaning over to press the heels of his hands against his eyes and leaning forward so that his elbows rested against his knees.“Did I break anything?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Donghun replied. 

Junhee could see the annoyance in Yuchan’s face, even though the boy was obviously trying to hide it.“Please just tell me, so that I can fix it…” Yuchan began.

“I don’t think you’re going to be able to fix Byeongkwan- _ah_ ’s mug,” Junhee admitted.“I’m sure he’ll understand, though… it isn’t like you can help that you had another seizure.”

Yuchan brought his knees up to his chest, letting his head rest against them.It took Junhee a moment to realize that the boy was crying, and he was quick to move a bit closer and put an arm around the man’s torso.“It’s okay, Channie…”

“I should just quit…”

It felt as though the words were ripping Junhee’s heart out of his chest.The idea of losing their _maknae_ was too painful to think about - it was something they had already faced when Yuchan had been in the hospital, but the fact that Yuchan was considering _choosing_ to leave hurt ten times worse.“No, you shouldn’t… you said yourself that the meds aren’t fully working yet,” Junhee replied.“Your seizures are getting less frequent, and that one wasn’t even that bad.We just have to wait this out…”

“Junhee- _yah_ is right, Channie… and we’re all here for you,” Donghun added, moving so that his hand was pressed up against the younger man’s back to ground him.“After everything we’ve been through to get to this point, we aren’t prepared to give up on you.”

“You _should_ be… I’m never going to be back to normal…” Yuchan began.

“We know that, Channie.And we don’t care.”Junhee looked up at the sound of Sehyoon’s voice, smiling at the older man as he sat down to join them and put his own hand on Yuchan’s shoulder, squeezing it gently.“We want you with us.We don’t care about the challenges - they’re worth facing, if it means that we get to keep you by our sides.”

“You’re our _maknae_ … we aren’t going to give up just because things got harder than we thought they would be,” Byeongkwan added, coming to join the rest of them sitting in the kitchen floor.“It’s just a mug… it’s not as important as you are.”


	8. Alternative

Getting fully back into the swing of rehearsals was daunting, and Yuchan found himself struggling to keep up with his _hyungs_ in dance rehearsals for the first time he could ever remember.Even Donghun, who was definitely the group’s weakest dancer, was getting the new choreography faster than Yuchan.It wasn’t even that difficult; given everything that had happened, their company had decided to go with a slower tempo and less intense dance moves than their previous songs.But Yuchan struggled.He couldn’t hear some parts of the song even with his hearing aids, and he wasn’t used to having to count without the backup of being able to hear the notes.He could no longer rely on his hearing to help him learn how to count new songs, and their company’s lease on their rehearsal space prevented them from turning the music loud enough for the vibrations in the floor to be of any assistance.And although he’d made it through their recording session the previous week with only slightly more trouble than he was used to, he was still having some trouble with getting the timing just right in performance.

“Let’s take ten… get some water, and then we’ll run it again,” Junhee commented, after a particularly disastrous run that had left Yuchan bumping into Sehyoon repeatedly.He knew that the rapper was frustrated with him, but Sehyoon didn’t even shoot him an angry glance.Yuchan was starting to realize that his _hyungs_ had the patience of saints for putting up with him through everything.

Yuchan didn’t remember sitting down on the couch, nor did he remember getting his water bottle and subsequently dropping it so that the cap popped off and spilled water everywhere.He did, however, realize that his shoes and pants were soaked, and Donghun and Byeongkwan were already rushing to clean up the mess as Junhee sat next to him in anticipation of the possibility of a full-blown convulsive seizure.Given the fact that his head was clear and his body wasn’t aching, he felt fairly certain that it hadn’t been a particularly bad seizure.“You’re okay, Channie… it wasn’t a bad one,” Junhee commented.

“I’m sorry, _hyungs…_ ” Yuchan began.

“ _Yah_ … don’t even worry about it, Yuchan- _ah_ ,” Byeongkwan replied, as Sehyoon brought him a new bottle of water.“It’s just some water… not a big deal.”

“But I’m always making messes…”

“The mess you make when you have a seizure is nothing in comparison to some of the other trainees I had to live with and clean up after,” Junhee replied, shaking his head.“Besides, we love you like a little brother.And you don’t abandon family.”

Yuchan nodded, taking a breath and closing his eyes.Everything about his new normal was exhausting, and the continued issue with his seizures just made it even worse.“Why don’t you lay down for a few minutes?” Donghun suggested.“Stress can make seizures worse, and so can not getting enough rest.Maybe we need to give you more breaks…”

“I’m already struggling to keep up…” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.

“We’ve been working for over a week on this choreography… you’ve had a day of actually rehearsing it, because you were still learning it until this morning,” Sehyoon commented.“Not to mention the fact that you’re tired and stressed out from other things going on in your life.No one expects you to have it perfect…”

“No one seems to be expecting much from me right now,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.

Byeongkwan moved to sit on Yuchan’s other side, putting an arm around his waist.“You know that isn’t true… we just all understand that you’re struggling.This isn’t something that you can just pretend never happened - you were in a coma, Channie.It takes time to recover.”

Yuchan took a deep breath, nodding.“I’m just getting frustrated by everything… it’s a lot to deal with…”

“I’m sure,” Junhee replied.“That’s why we’re trying to make this whole transition easier on you.We don’t want you to feel stressed out about little things, when you have so many _big_ things that you’re having to deal with just to make this work.”

Yuchan let his head rest against the leader’s shoulder, relaxing into the warmth of his _hyungs_.“We’re supposed to be rehearsing…” Byeongkwan began.

“We can take a few extra minutes… Yuchan- _ah_ needs us right now,” Junhee replied.

Yuchan didn’t remember falling asleep against Junhee’s shoulder, or having someone remove his hearing aids so that they would be less likely to wake him up as they continued to rehearse.It wasn’t all that surprising; even after the mildest of his seizures, he was usually exhausted and needed some time to rest.Everyone kept telling him that it was normal - that it took time to recover from being so close to death, and that he didn’t need to push himself to be back to normal when he had only been out of the hospital for about three weeks.Even his doctor had been surprised at how well Yuchan seemed to be recovering, and he’d agreed to allowing Yuchan back in dance practices as long as he was allowed to take extra breaks as needed.

Waking up to see his _hyungs_ in the middle of another run of their new song without him was a little unsettling - not because he hadn’t seen them run the dance without him before, but because now he could easily see just how odd it looked for them to be leaving a hole for him when he still wasn’t sure whether or not he would be able to promote with the rest of the group when the time came.As far as Yuchan knew, there wasn’t an alternate version of the song for them to promote without him.

As soon as they finished the run, Sehyoon moved to sit down next to Yuchan and put an arm around his waist.“How are you feeling?” the older man asked.

“I’m okay… still kind of tired,” Yuchan admitted.“There isn’t an alternate version of the dance, is there?”

“We don’t _want_ to have an alternate version,” Sehyoon replied.“We know that there’s a possibility you won’t be able to promote with us, and we understand that.But we don’t want to fill your spot.Just like we didn’t want to sing your parts in ‘5tar’ when it came out, so we just left them out of the song where we could.Choice will know that’s supposed to be for you.”

“Maybe you should fill my spot… let them get used to the idea of A.C.E only having four members, just in case things don’t work out…” Yuchan began.

“ _Yah_ … don’t talk like that.You’re an important member of the group,” Sehyoon replied.“Choice want to see you on stage with us again… they love you.And they’re going to support you…”

“ _Hyung_ … Choice don’t know,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.“The company hasn’t released any kind of statement about my hearing loss, or about the seizures.Are they really going to be on our side when they find out that we’ve been keeping such a big secret from all of them?”

“They aren’t going to give up on you just because they find out you aren’t perfect, Channie,” Sehyoon assured him, rubbing his back for a moment.“If anything, they’ll love you more when they see how much you’re willing to do so that you can keep performing.What you’re trying to do is really hard… no one else has ever done this as a debuted idol.”

“Maybe there’s a reason for that…” Yuchan began.

“Just give yourself the time to figure it out.You’ve only been out of the hospital for a month, and you’ve only been back at rehearsals for a couple of weeks.It took you years to get to where you were before you got sick - why do you think it’s going to come immediately when everything has changed so much?”


	9. Announcement

“You should wear your hearing aids in the video.”Yuchan raised an eyebrow at the manager’s suggestion, unsure of the purpose behind it.“It gets loud and a little crazy during VLive videos… it will be easier for you to keep up if you have them on, and we can use the video to address the hearing loss issue with the fans.”

“We’re really going to do this now?” Junhee asked, walking up next to Yuchan and putting his arm around Yuchan’s waist.Yuchan was thankful for the leader’s presence, as he tried to process what was going on.“We didn’t talk about this…”

“Unless Yuchan- _ah_ is against it… we felt it would be better in this case for fans to hear it directly from Yuchan- _ah_ ,” the manager replied.“It will also give the fans a chance to see that you’re all working together to help Yuchan- _ah_ through all of this.That you’re still A.C.E, even though things have changed.”

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Junhee commented, turning Yuchan so that they were facing one another.The older man looked him in the eye, almost as if he was trying to gauge what was going on in Yuchan’s head.“You can wait.If you aren’t comfortable…”

“It’s okay, _hyung_ ,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.It made sense for him to wear the devices; the fans would find out eventually, and it would be better if they found out in a way that Yuchan and the company had some control over.If _he_ was the one who told the fans, he could tell them what he wanted them to know rather than whatever would come out in a gossip article.“I’ll wear them tonight.But I don’t want to talk about the seizures yet…”

The manager shook his head.“We weren’t going to ask you to do that,” the man replied.“The seizures aren’t as obvious as the hearing loss… unless you have a seizure in public, we won’t acknowledge the epilepsy unless you want us to help you make a statement about it.”

Yuchan nodded, smiling at Junhee briefly.“It’s okay, _hyung_ … I’m okay with this.”

The setup for their Live video was simple enough; they had spent most of the day filming their new music video, and they had been instructed to do a brief teaser from the set to announce their comeback officially.While it was far from the first Live that had been done on the A.C.E channel in the weeks since Yuchan had gotten out of the hospital, he hadn’t actually been on camera for more than a few seconds - mostly just waving to the camera as his _hyungs_ mentioned him or walking through behind them to work on something he needed to get done.This would be the first time he’d been directly in front of the phone’s camera for any significant length of time since his illness.Because of his hearing issues, the decision had been made to place Yuchan in the center, so that it wouldn’t be as difficult for him to understand his _hyungs_ when they were talking.

Their introduction was quick, with all five of them bowing to the camera before they began waving and throwing hearts at the Choices that were viewing.Chan forced a smile, doing his best not to let their viewers see that he was nervous about the broadcast.The last thing he wanted was for anyone to worry unnecessarily about what was going on, and he knew that if _he_ looked upset the fans would pick up on it instantly. 

“ _Anneyong_ … we’re here on set for our next video, and we wanted to give you all a little preview for our next video,” Junhee began, sliding easily into his role as leader while he held the selfie stick so that their audience could see all of them in the group.Sehyoon stood on Chan’s other side, holding his own phone and watching the stream on silent so that they could respond to comments once Junhee was done with his introduction.

At first the comments were fairly normal; Yuchan couldn’t help smiling at the number of fans who were sending up hearts and comments about how happy they were that he was finally back with A.C.E and asking if he was feeling better.But as soon as he saw himself turn to look at the phone in the delayed stream, the comments began to change.

Yah _… why does Channie have on his monitors?_

_Channie, what’s wrong?_

_Is Channie wearing hearing aids?_

_What happened to Yuchan?!_

Yuchan felt sick to his stomach, forcing a smile as Donghun suggested that they should read some of the comments.Thankfully, his _hyungs_ seemed to be trying to avoid those questions, at least for the moment.They answered a few other random questions first, before Donghun accidentally read out a question about the hearing aids.“Yuchan- _ssi_ , why are you wearing your monitors?”

The whole group froze for a moment, before Yuchan smiled and shook his head.“They aren’t monitors… they’re hearing aids,” he replied.“When I was sick, I had a very high fever and it damaged my hearing.”

There was an immediate flood of further questions, and Yuchan couldn’t keep up with all of them so that he could answer them.“Yuchan- _ah_ can still hear, but sometimes he has a harder time understanding things when it’s loud.The hearing aids help him focus on the person talking to him, and help him with matching pitches when he’s singing because that’s harder, too,” Junhee added.

“No, he isn’t quitting…” Byeongkwan commented.Yuchan could tell that his youngest _hyung_ was annoyed by the question that he hadn’t even noticed coming through the stream.

“We won’t let him just quit,” Donghun added, with a slight smirk on his face.Yuchan smiled, especially when he felt Sehyoon wrapping an arm around his waist and squeezing him slightly - a silent reminder that he was loved by the whole group, and they were there to support him through it.

“I wouldn’t be able to do this without my _hyungs_ ,” Yuchan commented, smiling at the older men.“They’ve been so supportive through all of this - they’ve been helping me learn our new song and choreography, and not getting upset with me when I need to take extra breaks because I’m still recovering from being sick.Or when I step on their feet because I get confused…”

“I have a bruise on my hip from him bumping into me so many times,” Sehyoon commented.Yuchan couldn’t help blushing slightly at the man’s words, even though he knew the older man was just teasing him.

“It’s harder than it used to be, to keep up with everything that’s going on.But I’m figuring things out, and it gets a little easier every day to keep going,” Yuchan commented.“I honestly have thought about giving up… about going home, and choosing to let this stop me rather than pushing myself to see what I can still do.But Donghun- _hyung_ is right - they won’t let me give up without at least trying, because they know that I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t at least _try_ to keep working.”

“Channie… the fans are asking if you’re going to still be with UNB…”Junhee commented, reading through a few questions that were running across the screen.

Yuchan nodded, smiling for the camera.“That’s still the plan.I have some things to figure out about promotions, but everything is still going forward,” Yuchan replied.“I’m going to figure things out with my A.C.E- _hyungs_ during our promotions this time.I can’t do this alone… but I have the best _hyungs_ anyone could ask for, and I know that I can do this as long as I have them by my side.”

The comments were running too fast for Yuchan to really keep up, but what he could see all seemed to be about how much the fans loved the fact that they were still sticking together through everything that had happened.

“We love Yuchan- _ah_ … he’s been our friend and our brother for too long for us to just let him go, when we know that he won’t be happy,” Byeongkwan added.“He’s our _maknae_ … he’ll always be our _maknae_ , no matter what might have happened to him.We’re all glad that he isn’t leaving us.”


	10. Stress

Yuchan’s entire body ached as he woke up, trying to figure out what was going on.“How long has he been out?”

“It’s only been a couple of minutes,” Junhee commented.Yuchan could feel someone stroking a hand through his hair.“How long do we have before we have to be on stage to rehearse?”

“About fifteen minutes…” Yuchan forced his eyes open as he heard the manager’s answer, trying to get his eyes to focus.He could see that he was laying on the floor of their dressing room, with someone’s legs under his head as a pillow.

“I’m not sure if he’ll recover in time… this was a really bad one,” Donghun’s voice commented.“He’ll probably be okay in time for the actual recording, but fifteen minutes isn’t enough time…”

“We can still pull him…” the manager began.

“Please… just buy us some time for him to recover,” Junhee commented.“We aren’t prepared to go on without him, and he’ll be upset if we don’t even give him the choice.”

There was a knock at the door to the dressing room, and even Yuchan could feel the tension in the room despite his current state.“I’ll get rid of them…” Donghun commented.Yuchan felt someone gently massaging the back of his neck as he tried to get his brain and his mouth to connect so that he could have a say in whatever decisions were being made.It was always a struggle after a seizure, and given just how badly he felt Yuchan knew that it was going to be a while before he could actually get the signals from his brain to his mouth.

“Kim Donghun- _ssi_ , right?My name is Ko Hojung…”

“I’m sorry, Hojung- _ssi_ … Channie is busy right now…” Donghun interrupted.

“ _Hyung_ …”Yuchan finally managed to get a word out, slowly forcing his head to turn so that he could see Donghun standing in the doorway, keeping it closed so that Hojung couldn’t see what was going on inside.Donghun looked at him, and Yuchan nodded in an attempt at indicating that he was okay with allowing his UNB members to see him in that state.It wasn’t as if he would have a choice in a few weeks, when they would be coming together again to promote a new song.Yuchan had already been given the lyrics and a copy of the guide track so that he could work on the vocals when he had time between schedules.

“Are you sure, Channie?” Donghun asked, clearly trying to keep Hojung from figuring out what was going on before he was sure that Yuchan was okay with it.Yuchan nodded slowly.

“Let him in, _hyung_ … he needs to know, too,” Junhee added, keeping his voice down.Yuchan watched as the eldest of his _hyungs_ nodded slowly, before stepping back and opening the door just wide enough for the other man to enter the room without allowing anyone else in the hallway to see him.

“What’s going on…?” Hojung asked, looking around the room briefly until he saw Yuchan laying on the floor.Yuchan could see the worried look that immediately flashed onto the older man’s face as he knelt down next to them.“Are you okay, Channie?”

Yuchan shook his head, lightly tapping his knuckles against the side of Junhee’s leg to try and tell the leader to explain for him because he still couldn’t quite make words happen - or at least not enough to explain everything that was going on.“We’ve been keeping it a secret, because Yuchan- _ah_ doesn’t want it to be public,” Junhee began, helping as Yuchan tried to sit up on his own.“He’s been having seizures ever since he got sick… it started on the way to the hospital, and they’ve been happening on and off ever since.They’ve been under control, but with all of the stress he missed a couple of doses of the medication, and ended up having a pretty bad seizure about ten minutes ago…”

“ _Aish_ … the companies know?” Hojung asked.Yuchan nodded, even though he felt fairly certain that his _hyungs_ would answer for him.

“We were going to wait until we knew for sure how everything would work for him to keep promoting, so that we could help…” Junhee commented, moving so that he was sitting directly behind Yuchan and gently pulling him back against the leader’s chest so that he could rest.“The seizures are the hardest part.He’s pretty out of it for a while afterwards, and there really isn’t anything we can do to speed up the recovery process.”

Yuchan watched as Hojung nodded at the explanation, before turning to Yuchan with a sad smile on his face.“It’s okay, Yuchan- _ah_ … we’ll figure it out,” the older man commented.

“This is strictly need-to-know,” Sehyoon said, from the other side of the room.“We aren’t telling Choice because Yuchan- _ah_ isn’t ready for that yet.The other members of UNB can know, but we’re trying to keep it as quiet as possible until he’s ready to talk about it.”

“I understand… I think a lot of groups have secrets that no one else knows about,” Hojung replied.“I was just stopping by to say hello… I should probably head back to my own group, before they start to miss me.But I’ll try to come back later, when you’re feeling better.Take care of yourself, Channie.”Yuchan nodded, smiling as the older man leaned in to give him a quick hug, before standing up to leave.

“Right… well, that’s one person who needs to know down,” Byeongkwan commented, once Hojung was out of the room.“Yuchan- _ah_ , do you need anything?”

“Water?” Yuchan asked, not looking up at the older man.

“Of course,” Byeongkwan replied.Yuchan could hear him moving to get a bottle of water, but he was more focused on trying to get his brain to work properly despite the exhaustion and his desire to simply close his eyes and go to sleep.

“You should try to rest for a few minutes, Channie,” Junhee commented, rubbing his back again.“It’ll be easier for you to get going again if you take care of yourself…”

Yuchan shook his head.“Rehearsal…”

“Is being pushed back.”Yuchan looked up at the sound of their manager’s voice as the man came back into the small room, thankful that _something_ was going to go right.“I was able to convince the production team to switch you with a rookie group that’s debuting today.But that’s probably only going to buy us about twenty minutes…”

“Twenty more minutes is still better than what we had before,” Sehyoon commented.

“Let’s move you to the couch,” Junhee commented, starting to stand up.Yuchan wasn’t able to keep his balance on his own yet, but Donghun was quick to come help them as Junhee guided him to sit down.“Try and sleep for a little while… we’ll wake you up in time for rehearsal.”

“Don’t forget,” Yuchan replied, as Byeongkwan brought him the promised bottle of water so that he could drink a little before he laid down.

“We aren’t going to do anything without you, I promise,” Junhee replied, reaching out to take the bottle from him.“Sleep now… we don’t want you to get too exhausted and end up having more seizures today.”


	11. Making It Work

Yuchan sat at the conference table, chewing on his bottom lip.He was worried; someone from Interpark had called his manager the previous night, asking for Yuchan to be brought in for a meeting about what would happen with UNB.The quick turnaround unnerved him more than Yuchan had been willing to admit when Donghun had asked if he was going to be okay going by himself to the meeting.He’d assured his _hyungs_ that everything was fine and he could handle it, but at that moment he was wishing that he could have some kind of support.

“Kang Yuchan- _ah_ … it’s good to see you again.”Yuchan stood up quickly as he realized that he’d missed hearing UNB’s manager entering the room.The man was smiling at him as Yuchan bowed quickly.“ _Yah_ … you don’t have to be so formal, Chan- _ah_.It’s just me - not the CEO or anyone that important.”

“I’m sorry, _hyung_ … I’m just nervous…” Yuchan replied, sitting down once he’d seen the manager do the same.

“There’s no reason to be nervous… we’re going to talk about how we’re going to handle things when UNB comes together again, and then I’ll take that information back to the company so that we can begin making the necessary arrangements,” the manager replied.

Yuchan nodded, relaxing slightly.“So I’m not out?”

“Not at all… we’ve all been watching your stages with A.C.E, and we’re actually quite impressed with how well you’re doing under the circumstances.We’re just concerned with making sure that we understand what you’ll need in order to be successful with UNB as well.We want this to work just as much as your other company does.”

That information made Yuchan relax significantly, and he smiled up at the elder man.“Thank you, _hyung_.”

The manager smiled at him.“Right… let’s get to work, so that we can get you back to your other group as quickly as possible.I’m sure you have plenty to do on your day off today.” 

The questions took a lot longer than Yuchan had expected, given the amount of detail that the manager wanted to get about his medications and how they needed to handle it when he suffered another seizure.It wasn’t easy for Yuchan to explain, given the fact that he really didn’t know all that much about what went on when he was having a seizure.

“I think we have everything we need for right now… I’m sure we can figure out anything that might come up in the future,” the manager commented, as he put down his pen.“Is there anything you can think of that we didn’t cover?Anything that might be especially important to know?”

“I tend to be really tired afterwards… it’s better if I can try to sleep for a little while after a seizure.If it’s a serious seizure, I pretty much _have_ to sleep for a little while or I’m useless…” Yuchan began.“It’s really frustrating sometimes… I ended up having a seizure on the first day of promotions with A.C.E, and I barely managed to get myself together in time to make it to our rehearsal.I managed to do it, but it was really rough and I had to skip some of the other things that were part of that day’s schedule so that I could rest…”

The manager nodded, quickly writing another note on the pad of paper.“That’s really good to know… but that does bring up the issue of what to tell the fans.I know that the full truth of your condition hasn’t come out, but we can’t continue to use the fact that you had meningitis as an excuse for pulling you from events indefinitely.We know that fans are going to question it if we do have to pull you in the future…”

Yuchan took a deep breath, closing his eyes.“I’d prefer not to talk about it,” Yuchan replied.“It’s awkward enough that the fans know about my hearing, and I don’t really want to deal with how fans will react to knowing that, too…”

There was a brief moment of silence before the manager spoke again.“We want this to work just as much as you do.But that means we have to make sure that we take care of your health first and foremost.And I don’t know that we’ll be able to keep this hidden, even if that is what you want to do.”

Yuchan nodded again.“I understand… I just really don’t like talking about it, and I don’t want that to become the only thing people care about,” he replied.“I already get more questions about my hearing aids than anything else.I don’t want everything to be about the fact that I’m disabled now…”

There was a brief moment of silence as the manager seemed to process what Yuchan was saying.“I can appreciate that.But you also have to consider the fact that this is your new reality… and hiding it from fans may not always be an option,” the manager replied.“There’s always the possibility that you could have a seizure in a public setting…”

“They’re under control…” Yuchan began.

“But can you guarantee that they’ll stay that way?” the manager asked.Yuchan couldn’t help pausing at the question, trying to process what he could say in answer to that question.“These are things we have to consider… _if_ you have a seizure in public, there will be questions that will have to be answered.There’s no way to completely avoid the question.”

Yuchan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.“I’d rather do this on my own terms…”

“I know.If we were able to control your seizures well enough to hide them forever, then this wouldn’t even be a question,” the manager replied.“But you just told me that you had a seizure not that long ago, and that’s not something we can ignore.We need to have a plan in place before we start promotions again so that we can make sure there’s always someone around who knows what to do if you have another seizure.”

Yuchan nodded, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall.While he’d known that things weren’t as simple as he wanted them to be, it was the first time he’d really been forced to confront the realities of what was happening.His managers and _hyungs_ with Beat Interactive had done everything they could to make the transition as easy as possible for him, and they hadn’t been willing to push him to face reality.

“I’m not pushing you to do this because I want to upset you… but things are getting to the point now that you have to look at the realities of your situation.You understand that, right?” the manager asked softly, offering him box of tissues.Yuchan nodded, taking a tissue and using it to dry the few tears that had already started to fall.“I’ll talk with your other manager, and we’ll help you figure out a plan for how to deal with this.We’re here for you, okay? We’re going to make this work.”


	12. Long Days

Yuchan rubbed his hands together repeatedly as he waited for the staff to tell them that it was time to go out for A.C.E’s first fan meeting since he’d come back from UNB.It was also going to be his first fan meeting with hearing aids, and the first time he would be spending an extended period of time in front of an audience since he’d been in the hospital.

“Take a deep breath and calm down… everything’s going to be fine.”Yuchan looked up at the sound of Junhee’s voice in his ear, relaxing slightly as the man ran a hand down his spine.“They know about your hearing loss.You took your meds this morning, right?”Yuchan nodded.“Then you’ve done everything you can to make sure that this is going to go off without a hitch.Now you just need to relax and enjoy this.Choice are going to be so excited to see you back on stage with us… they won’t care if it’s a little harder to communicate with you, because they’ll be so happy that you’re just _here_ …”

Yuchan took a deep breath, nodding as he tried to calm his nerves.“What if I have a seizure?” he asked softly.

“We’ll all be keeping an eye on you… if anything starts to go wrong, we’ll figure out a way to get you offstage as quickly as possible,” Junhee replied.“I can’t make any guarantees, but we’re going to do whatever we can to help you get through all of this.”

Yuchan nodded, taking a deep breath as they were given their cue to go out on stage.He plastered a smile on his face before walking out and waving to the fans that had gathered to meet them that day.Everything seemed to be going well, and Yuchan was starting to relax as they finally started the actual meet and greet portion of the event.The fans that had shown up for the event were understanding when he had to ask them to repeat themselves, and they did what they could to help Yuchan understand what they were saying.

By the time the last few fans were making their way down the line, Yuchan was feeling confident that things were going to work out in the long run.Although he knew that the conversation over releasing a statement about his epilepsy was still ongoing, the fact that he had made it through both a performance and a fan sign event without any issues definitely made him feel better about his chances of continuing to work long-term.

There was a rush of activity when the fan sign event was finally over; they still had more activities that evening, and there really wasn’t any time to rest despite the fact that Yuchan was already exhausted from performing that morning and the several hours of interacting with fans.While he loved every moment of it - especially given the fact that Yuchan _knew_ that he’d nearly lost all of that to his illness - it still wasn’t easy to keep going when he desperately needed to get some sleep in order to keep going the next day.

“Yuchan- _ah_ … are you okay?” Byeongkwan asked, as they were piled into the van to go to the radio station for a live interview that would be broadcast online, too.

“I’m just tired, _hyung_ … just like everyone else,” Yuchan replied, smiling at the older man.

“You can sleep on me on the way there,” Byeongkwan commented, motioning for Yuchan to lean his head against Byeongkwan’s shoulder.“It won’t be much, but even a few minutes is better than nothing.”

Yuchan nodded, moving to let his head rest against the shorter man and closing his eyes to try and get at least a few minutes of sleep before they had to be “on” again for the public.Yuchan had always been able to fall asleep at odd times and in strange places when they were working hard - he didn’t even remember Donghun’s birthday VLive, despite the fact that there was video evidence that he’d at least attempted to participate in singing for the eldest of his _hyungs._ But with his hearing aids still in, Yuchan found himself struggling to actually fall asleep on the drive through the city.

By the time they arrived at the radio station building, Yuchan was definitely _not_ feeling great.He wasn’t sure exactly _why_ he felt so off, but he knew that he needed to just push through and finish their last schedule for the day so that they could go home and get some rest before they had to get up and do it all again the next day.

“ _Yah_ … Channie, are you okay?” Sehyoon asked as they walked into the building, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and carefully guiding him along behind the rest of the group.“You seem… off…”

“I don’t feel great,” Yuchan admitted, shaking his head.“I can finish the schedules, don’t worry…”

“If you aren’t feeling well, you should tell the managers,” Sehyoon commented.“They can pull you, and let you go home to rest…”

Yuchan shook his head.“I’ll be okay, _hyung_ ,” he replied.“It’s not anything bad.I think it’s just from being tired.I’ll be fine once I’ve gotten some sleep.”Sehyoon didn’t seem all that convinced by Yuchan’s words, but the older man just nodded and continued walking with him to the green room to wait for their turn in the studio.

Despite the exhaustion, Yuchan felt as though things were going pretty well during the radio interview as well.Someone had been thoughtful enough to figure out a way to connect his hearing aids into the same system as everyone else’s headphones, so that he would be able to hear and participate in the conversation without the discomfort of having to wear the large headphones over his hearing aids.It worked surprisingly well, and Yuchan was really thankful for the fact that people outside of the company were going out of their way to make accommodations for him.

“Yuchan- _ah_ , how are things going?I know that there were some concerns about how well you would be able to keep up with promotions…” the DJ commented.

“It’s been difficult,” Yuchan admitted.“It takes a lot of extra work to be able to sing and dance - even with the hearing aids, it’s difficult to hear some pitches, so I have to rely solely on counting when I’m used to having more to go on.But it’s worth it, knowing that Choice are supporting me - supporting all of us - despite everything that’s happened.They’re the reason I keep going.”

“He worked harder than anyone else in the group _before_ he got sick a few months ago,” Junhee added.“We knew that if anyone could make this work, it would be Yuchan- _ah_.He was still in college through filming The Unit… we convinced him to take a year off to focus on UNB and A.C.E, because we were afraid that he would push himself too far and get sick or hurt himself due to exhaustion…”

“Yuchan- _ah_ spent a lot of our first year fitting in naps whenever he could get ten minutes.He would even sleep in the makeup chair every time we were getting ready for anything, because it was one of the few times he _couldn’t_ do anything else,” Sehyoon added.

“He _still_ does that,” Byeongkwan teased.

“I wouldn’t have to if someone in the group didn’t snore so loudly,” Yuchan shot back, smiling at the joke.It was completely false, but the last thing any of them wanted was to make any Choices worry that they were being overworked, or that Yuchan was still not doing well.“I do sleep more now than I used to… I’m working a lot, and I am still recovering from being sick.And honestly, I wasn’t sleeping nearly enough, or taking care of myself properly before I got sick.”

The DJ nodded, smiling at him.“So are you going to go back to school when the new term starts?”

Yuchan shook his head.“Not this term… I do plan on finishing my degree, but I need a little more time to adjust,” Yuchan replied.“Once UNB is over, and once I’m able to keep up with everything a bit more I’ll go back.”


	13. Concussion

“He’s still out?”Yuchan hardly registered the question being asked, as he tried to figure out what was happening around him.His head was killing him, as were most of the other muscles in his body - a clear indication that he’d had another seizure, although it felt significantly worse than any of the others he could actually remember.He didn’t want to move at all; even the idea of forcing his eyes to open seemed too difficult in that moment.

“Yeah… he hasn’t been seizing again, but he’s not waking up either,” Donghun commented.“We knew he was tired… we should have been paying more attention, so that we could have caught it before he fell and hit his head…”

“At least it wasn’t on camera during the interview,” Junhee replied.“I think the company is going to _have_ to release a statement now - there’s no way we’ll be able to hide the fact that the radio station had to call an ambulance for him…”

Yuchan wanted to force his eyes open and refuse to go to the hospital, but his muscles weren’t quite ready to cooperate with him.“He’s going to be upset when he wakes up… things were going so well…”Yuchan felt Donghun stroking a hand through his hair.

“It’s so unfair to him… he’s worked so hard and overcome so much, but it still keeps getting worse,” Junhee added.“Something has to give… and I’m worried about what’s going to have to be dropped, because I know he doesn’t want to admit that he’s in such bad shape…”

Yuchan finally managed to force his eyes open, although he couldn’t really move anything else yet.The light hurt his eyes, but he knew that he needed to try and stay awake at least until the ambulance arrived.“Hey, Channie… you’re okay,” Donghun began, as soon as the older man noticed that he was starting to wake up.“You’ve had another seizure and you hit your head, but you’re going to be okay.We’re going to take you to the hospital to get checked out.”

“How’s he doing?”The voice was unfamiliar, but Yuchan could tell from the way Junhee reacted to the words that it was the paramedics arriving.

“He’s waking up, but he isn’t able to communicate with us yet.It took him a lot longer than normal to open his eyes,” the leader replied.“He hit his head when he fell, and it’s taking him a lot longer than normal to wake up.But he only had the one seizure.”

Yuchan closed his eyes for a moment as someone placed an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.“If one of you could answer some questions…?” a second unfamiliar voice asked.

“You stay with him, _hyung_ ,” Junhee replied. 

Yuchan opened his eyes just in time to see the leader getting up, moving away only to be replaced by a man in a paramedic’s uniform.“Okay… what’s his name?”

“Kang Yuchan,” Donghun replied.

“Right… Yuchan- _ssi_ , I’m going to check your vitals first, and then we’ll get you sitting up and decide if we need to take you to the hospital or not,” the unfamiliar voice reassured, as the man wrapped something around Yuchan’s upper arm and then clipped another device to one of his fingers.It took Yuchan a moment to really process what was going on as the object around his arm tightened for a few seconds.“He’s had seizures before, correct?”

“It’s been going on for a few months… ever since he had meningitis.He’s on an anticonvulsant already, but it hasn’t been completely effective.This is the first time he’s had a seizure since they got him on the full dose without him missing doses…” Donghun replied.

“How long ago was that?”

“I’m not sure… all I really know is that he’s taking his medication regularly, but I don’t really know all of the details…” Donghun admitted

“Was there anything unusual about today?Anything that might have contributed to his having a seizure?” the paramedic asked.

“He was tired…” Donghun replied.“I saw him take his medication at breakfast, and we were going to get some dinner when we left so that he could take the second dose… we were just about to leave…”

“Exhaustion can cause breakthrough seizures… the fact that he hit his head is the most concerning thing at the moment,” the paramedic replied.“Yuchan- _ssi_ , can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

Yuchan couldn’t get his mouth to form actual words, so the only response he was able to give were some unintelligible noises that still didn’t make sense.It was frustrating, but he was thankful for Donghun’s presence as the older man continued to rub his back in an attempt at comforting him.“It’s okay, Channie… take your time,” the man commented softly.

“Okay… I’m going to ask you some yes or no questions, Yuchan- _ssi_.All you have to do is nod or shake your head,” the paramedic replied.Yuchan nodded to show that he understood what was expected of him, even though the motion definitely didn’t help his headache.“Do you know where you are right now?”Yuchan nodded.“Good… do you think you can sit up if we help you?”Yuchan nodded again, which prompted the paramedic to look up at Donghun.“I’m going to ask you to help us… I just need you to stay behind him in case he gets dizzy, so that he doesn’t fall and hit his head again.”

The two men were careful as they helped him into a seated position.Yuchan was thankful for their help, as the ache in his head intensified with the change in positions and the nausea hit him in full force.He couldn’t help whimpering softly at the sensation, closing his eyes and trying not to get sick all over himself.“Yuchan- _ssi_ … because you hit your head, we need to take you to the hospital to get checked out.It could be nothing, but head injuries are a big deal and could lead to an increase in seizure activity.Do you understand?”Yuchan slowly gave the man a shaky thumbs up, too afraid to try and nod again given how badly his head was hurting.“Okay.Do you need a minute to rest before we move you?”Yuchan raised his thumb for the man again, hoping that giving himself a little longer to just sit there would help his head and stomach calm down slightly. 

Even though he wasn’t moving, Yuchan’s headache and nausea didn’t really calm down at all as he sat there.He really just wanted to lay back down and try to sleep it off, but Yuchan knew that wasn’t a good idea.They’d said something about him hitting his head, and Yuchan had dealt with enough head injuries when he was younger to know that trying to sleep wasn’t the best idea.

“We need to take you to the hospital now, Yuchan- _ssi_ ,” the paramedic commented, after a few moments.“We’re going to help you to the gurney, so that we can get you checked out, okay?”

Yuchan gave the man a thumbs up again.“Okay,” he replied, finally able to get the simple word out of his mouth.Yuchan forced his eyes open, letting the paramedic and Donghun take his hands and help him slowly get to his feet.The room was spinning, and he immediately tightened his grip on their hands.“Dizzy…”

“Just breathe, okay?It’s only a couple of steps, and then you can sit down again,” the paramedic replied.Yuchan did as he was told, leaning heavily on the two men as they helped him sit down on the gurney.He closed his eyes as the paramedics began stepping him in for the ride to the hospital.“If you want to ride along…”

“Junhee- _yah_ will go with him.He’s got all of the information they’ll need on his phone,” Donghun replied.“That’s okay, right, Channie?”

“Yeah, okay,” Yuchan replied.He really didn’t care all that much which of his _hyungs_ went with him, as long as he didn’t have to be alone.


	14. Got Your Back

Yuchan’s head was still hurting from the concussion he’d sustained during his most recent seizure, but after spending the night in the hospital he’d been released with the instructions to rest and avoid any activities that made the concussion symptoms worse.Yuchan had spent most of the afternoon in his bunk, with one of the group’s managers staying at the dorm with him to make sure he ate and took all of his medication on schedule.

“Yuchan- _ah_ , are you awake?”Yuchan turned to look at the source of the muffled voice, smiling slightly as he realized that it was Byeongkwan climbing into his bunk to cuddle with him.“How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Yuchan replied.“My head still kind of hurts, but that’s normal.I have a concussion.”

Byeongkwan nodded.“I know.Manager- _hyung_ filled us all in about what the doctor told you, so that we know what to do to take care of you tonight,” the older man replied.“We brought you some dinner, if you’re hungry.Manager- _hyung_ said you hadn’t eaten yet.”

“I could eat,” Yuchan replied, nodding slowly so that he wouldn’t make his headache any worse.“I don’t want to put in my hearing aids, though…”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Byeongkwan assured him, starting to get out of the bed so that he could help Yuchan up as well.“We’ve been told to keep the volume down and let you rest, anyway.We want you to get better, so that you can join us in promotions again before we’re done.”

“I hate that I’m having to miss everything…” Yuchan replied, as Byeongkwan helped him stand up.The whole room spun slightly for a moment, and Yuchan found himself leaning against Byeongkwan’s shoulder for a moment before everything finally righted itself.The older man looked concerned, but Yuchan chose to ignore the questioning look on Byeongkwan’s face.“I just want things to go back to normal… or at least as normal as it can be, all things considered.I don’t want to constantly cause problems for everyone.But since I was sick, that seems to be all I’m able to do…”

“That isn’t true, Channie,” Byeongkwan reassured him.“You can’t help what’s going on - it isn’t like you’re _making_ yourself sick.You’re doing the best you can, and that’s all anyone is asking of you.”

“But my best isn’t good enough,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head slowly.“You don’t have to lie to me, _hyung_.I know that this isn’t what any of you had in mind when you decided to become Idols - taking care of me, holding yourselves back because I can’t keep up.I’ll understand if you all want me to leave…”

“ _Never_ ,” Byeongkwan interrupted, stopping Yuchan from walking away.“We don’t want to do this without you, Channie.You’re our friend, and our brother.You’re a huge part of the reason we’ve gotten to where we are today, and we don’t want to do this without you long-term.Maybe we should have pushed for you to sit out another comeback to recover, but we wanted you with us for this.And we _still_ want you by our side, even if that means having to make adjustments to our plans.”

Yuchan closed his eyes, leaning in to wrap his arms around Byeongkwan and give him a hug.“Thank you, _hyung_ ,” he replied, letting his head rest on the older man’s shoulder.

“ _Yah_ … let’s go get you something to eat, okay?You need something in your stomach to take your medicine,” Byeongkwan replied, almost as though their previous conversation hadn’t even happened.

“No, _hyung_ … really,” Yuchan commented, shaking his head.“Thank you for sticking with me through all of this, even though it isn’t fun or what any of you wanted.None of you have to do any of this… and I know that it isn’t fair to any of you to be stuck with me…”

“Number one, we aren’t stuck with you - you’re still a contributing member of our group, and we love you for working so hard to come back after everything that’s happened,” Byeongkwan began.“And number two, no one ever told any of us that things were going to be fair in this business.We all knew when we signed up for this that there were going to be a lot of things that were completely out of our control.This is just another thing we have to figure out, but we’re going to get through this as a group, because friends don’t just give up on each other.”

“Byeongkwan- _ah_ , you were just supposed to wake him up to eat dinner… not wear him out by talking forever…” Donghun commented, as the oldest of their _hyungs_ came into the bedroom looking for them.“Yuchan- _ah_ , you should come eat before the food gets cold.We got chicken…”

“But no cider, because you aren’t allowed to drink,” Byeongkwan replied.

“I haven’t been allowed to drink since I got sick, _hyung_ ,” Yuchan commented.“The seizure meds don’t get along with alcohol - it wouldn’t be a good idea even if I didn’t have a concussion.”

“You also have pain medication that you’re supposed to take for that,” Donghun added.“So yeah, plenty of reason for us to not drink tonight.That and the fact that we still have schedules tomorrow.Although I’m pretty sure the plan is for one of the managers to stay here with you so that you can get some rest.”

Yuchan sighed.“All I’m going to be allowed to do for a while is rest.”

“It’s what your body needs.” Byeongkwan replied.“Just like right now, you need to eat so that you can take your meds.”

Yuchan let the two older members of the group guide him out to the living room, where Junhee and Sehyoon were finishing setting everything out for the group’s dinner.“What do you want to drink, Channie?”

“Just water…I’m really thirsty…”

“You were sleeping for a while,” Junhee commented.“Manager- _hyung_ said that he didn’t really try to wake you up more than was necessary… the more rest you can get, the better.”

Yuchan nodded slowly.“I know, _hyung_.”

“Let’s just let the kid eat,” Sehyoon commented, before anyone else could say anything about Yuchan needing to rest.“I’m sure you’re hungry, Channie.Go ahead and eat.”

“But Donghun- _hyung_ …”

“Won’t mind if you don’t wait for me this once,” Donghun called from the kitchen, where the eldest was still finishing making drinks for everyone.“Just eat, as much as you can without making yourself sick.No one is going to think you’re rude tonight, okay?It’s just us…”

Yuchan nodded again, picking up his chopsticks and starting to eat despite the fact that none of his _hyungs_ were ready to eat yet.He still felt a little guilty eating without the rest of them, but no one seemed to mind as the rest of the group sat down around the table with him and began eating as if there was nothing unusual about their current situation.

The meal was a quiet one, which Yuchan was thankful for.Not only did it mean that there was nothing to make the ache in his head worse, but it also meant that he didn’t have to struggle to focus on what was being said while he wasn’t wearing his hearing aids.Yuchan wanted to ask questions about what they had done without him, but at the same time he wasn’t sure that he wanted to know.It wasn’t until he’d finished eating that he realized he had one question that no one had thought to address up to that point.

“ _Hyungs_ … what did the company say to explain me being out?”Yuchan looked up, realizing that his _hyungs_ were exchanging glances with one another, almost as if they weren’t sure whether or not they should tell him the truth.“Please… what do Choice know?”

“They didn’t say anything about the seizures,” Junhee commented, finally turning to look at Yuchan instead of at the others.“The official statement was that you’d collapsed due to exhaustion because you still hadn’t fully recovered from being sick, and that you were going to be taking some time off to focus on your health.They didn’t make any promises about you returning to promotions, but they also left it open so that you _could_ come back if you were feeling up to it.”

“So no one knows about the seizures?” Yuchan asked.

“It could still come out… the radio station staff saw,” Donghun replied.“But nothing has shown up on any of the gossip sites, as far as we know.For the moment, it’s still a secret.”

Yuchan looked down at his empty plate.“Maybe it shouldn’t be, though…”

Byeongkwan took Yuchan’s hand, squeezing it gently.“Whatever you decide to do, Channie, you know that we’re behind you.We’ve got your back.”


	15. Explanations

Walking into the UNB dorm after several months away felt strange; it was the first time he’d been there since everything that had happened, and Yuchan couldn’t help feeling nervous about having to approach the rest of his UNB members with the truth of what was going on.Hojung was the only person that knew the whole truth, but Yuchan knew that needed to change.

Yuchan was snapped out of his thoughts by Junhee putting a hand on his shoulder.“Do you want me to help you unpack while we wait for the others?” Junhee asked, smiling when Yuchan turned towards him.He’d chosen not to wear the hearing aids for the trip across the city, mostly to avoid the potential headache.Although he’d been cleared to go back to normal activities by the doctor after his concussion, Yuchan was still afraid of doing anything that might cause another headache or something else.He’d only managed to make it back for the last week of A.C.E’s promotions, but he’d spent most of that week not wearing the hearing aids whenever he could get away with it.

“Yeah… that would be good,” Yuchan replied, smiling as he led Junhee up to the room he shared with Hojung when they were all living in the dorm.He couldn’t help noticing that he was the first person back in the dorm, although that definitely made things a bit easier because it meant he wouldn’t have too many people trying to talk to him all at once.While all of his UNB members knew about the hearing issues, Yuchan wasn’t sure that they would realize how things needed to change to accommodate him.

Junhee had offered to come help him move back into UNB’s dorm and explain everything to the other members of the group, because Yuchan still didn’t completely know what he needed the other members to do for him if he had a seizure.Although they had been back under control since the incident at the radio station thanks to another increase in his anticonvulsant medication, Yuchan knew that it was necessary to make sure they understood how to deal with him both during and after a seizure.It wasn’t something that Yuchan _wanted_ to talk about, but his doctor had spent a great deal of time trying to impress upon all of them just how serious it could become if Yuchan wasn’t properly cared for during the convulsive phase.

Hojung arrived just as Yuchan was putting his suitcase away, smiling at the two of them as he entered the small room.“You’re back already,” the older man commented, dropping his backpack on his own bed before coming over and giving both Yuchan and Junhee hugs.“I didn’t expect you to come with him though, Junhee- _yah_.”

“I’m just here to help him explain everything to the rest of the group,” Junhee replied.“Yuchan- _ah_ doesn’t exactly know what’s going on, so he can’t tell you all what he needs if he starts to have a seizure.I volunteered to come help, because there’s a lot that everyone needs to know.”

The conversation was cut short as Kijoong hurried into the room.“ _Hyungs_!I’ve missed you!”The younger boy was quick to pull Yuchan into a hug, talking too quickly for Yuchan to figure out what he was going on since his volume dropped significantly when he was in such close proximity.Kijoong had moved on to hug Hojung immediately, without giving Yuchan a chance to respond to anything.It wasn’t until the _maknae_ realized that Junhee was in the room as well that he calmed down slightly, bowing properly.“It’s good to see you again, Junhee- _ssi_ ,” Kijoong commented, before immediately bouncing over to hop onto Yuchan’s bed with a smile on his face.“What are you up to, _hyungs_?”

“Unpacking… which is what you should be doing, too,” Hojung replied.

The _maknae_ pouted.“It’ll all just have to be repacked again in a few weeks… I might as well live out of my suitcase, since it’s just one promotion period before we’re done,” the boy replied.“I hate packing and unpacking all the time…”

“Then why did you decide to become an Idol?” Hojung teased.Yuchan couldn’t help but smirk slightly at the conversation.“We’re always traveling - we spend half our lives living out of suitcases.”

“No one told me that when I signed up,” Kijoong pouted, flopping down on Yuchan’s bed and groaning out something that Yuchan couldn’t make out.

“ _Yah_ … if you’re going to hang out on my bed, you could at least make sure I can hear you,” Yuchan commented, kicking the younger boy’s foot gently.“What did you say?”

Kijoong sat up quickly, looking slightly embarrassed.“I’m sorry, _hyung_ … I forgot…”

“It’s okay,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.“Just try to make sure you’re talking to my face, okay?Especially if I’m not wearing my hearing aids.”

There was a moment of silence as Kijoong nodded, looking thoughtful.“Is it hard, _hyung_?Not being able to hear properly?”

Yuchan shrugged.“It makes this job a lot harder,” Yuchan replied.“I can do it, but it takes a lot more practice and I know that I don’t sound as good live as I used to.I still don’t even know if this is something I can keep doing long-term, or if it would be better to just go back to school… I love being an Idol, but I’m just still not completely sure if it’s worth the extra stress on everyone I work with…”

“But if it’s just hearing loss…” Kijoong began.

“There’s a little more to it than that,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.“I’ll explain later, okay?Once everyone is here.”

It didn’t take long for things to descend into chaos as the rest of the group arrived, with everyone wandering around between bedrooms to say hello to each other and try to catch up a little before they started their schedules the next morning.But it wasn’t until they all sat down to dinner, with Junhee joining them at Yuchan’s request, that Yuchan decided it was time to deal with everything that the rest of his members needed to know.

“So… I need to tell you all something,” Yuchan commented, putting down his chopsticks as everyone else ate.Junhee stopped as well, clearly understanding what Yuchan was doing.“You guys all know that I’ve lost some of my hearing, from the meningitis…”

“I think I speak for everyone when I say that we’re more than willing to help with whatever you need,” Kwangsuk commented, immediately slipping back into his role as the group’s leader.

“You might want to hear everything before you say that,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.“It’s more than just the hearing loss going on… I had several seizures while I was sick.I’m on medication to stop the seizures, but they still happen periodically…”

There was a brief moment of silence, as the other members of UNB, other than Hojung, put their chopsticks down in shock at the news.“But you’ve been working…” Euijin began.“They didn’t pull you from promotions until they said you collapsed from exhaustion…”

“They only pulled me because I hit my head during a seizure,” Yuchan admitted.“I ended up with a mild concussion - otherwise, I would have been on stage again the next day.”

“The first day they were promoting, Yuchan- _ah_ had a seizure less than an hour before they had to rehearse for the filming,” Hojung added.

“Wait… you knew?” Junyoung asked.Yuchan could see that his fellow ’97-liner was upset by the news that someone else had known and no one had told the rest of the group.

Hojung nodded.“I walked in on him right after he started to wake up… the other members of A.C.E explained what was going on,” the elder man commented.“I didn’t think it was my place to tell anyone… it’s Yuchan- _ah_ ’s story to tell, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to explain anything or answer your questions.”

“So… I’m assuming the managers know?” Kwangsuk asked.

Yuchan nodded.“It’s never been hidden from either company,” Yuchan replied.“I’ve already talked to the managers about everything.”

“I’m guessing this is why you wanted Junhee- _hyung_ to be here for dinner?” Junyoung asked.

“He knows everything - I’m not aware of what’s going on from the time a seizure starts, until I’m waking up afterwards,” Yuchan replied, nodding.“I know in theory what needs to happen, but he knows what to watch for to know if I’m about to have another seizure or not.I thought it would be easier if he was here to help me explain.”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Daewon spoke up.“Right… so what do we need to know?”


	16. Crash

Although he’d had more time to rest and heal before going back to UNB than he had before his return to A.C.E, Yuchan couldn’t help being exhausted at the end of a long day of rehearsals in preparation for their comeback.Given how little time they had to prepare, it wasn’t all that surprising that they had been working non-stop all day to make sure that everything was as perfect as possible before they had to film the next morning for their new video.Although Yuchan was still struggling with some of the vocal aspects of their new song when he had to dance as well, it was all slowly starting to come together and Yuchan felt confident that by the time they began promotions he would at least be able to stay on key while he was singing and dancing.

It took Yuchan a moment to realize that Hojung was trying to get his attention.His UNB members had quickly gotten used to making sure he was paying attention before they began trying to talk to him, given the fact that Yuchan still tried to avoid wearing his hearing aids unless he absolutely _had_ to have them on.While they were helpful when he needed them, going without the aids made Yuchan feel a bit more normal simply because people were less likely to stare when he wasn’t wearing them.Thankfully, his UNB members seemed to understand that he needed them to change the way they did certain things to help him keep up and know what was going on. 

They had each developed their own ways of getting his attention, and Hojung’s method was always to just wait patiently for Yuchan to realize that he was there.If it took too long, the older man would occasionally just gently touch his shoulder for a moment, but most of the time Hojung simply waited for Yuchan to notice him unless there was an immediate reason that he needed Yuchan’s attention.It wasn’t surprising for Yuchan to feel the man’s hand on his shoulder as they all settled into their seats in the van.

“Yuchan- _ah_ … did you take your meds tonight?” Hojung asked, once Yuchan finally looked at him.

Yuchan sighed, closing his eyes as he realized that he’d forgotten.The group hadn’t even bothered to leave their practice rooms for dinner that night, sitting in the middle of the dance floor with food provided by their managers before going back to work.It was so different from their usual routine that Yuchan hadn’t even thought about going to his bag to get out his medication.“No… I forgot, _hyung_.”

Yuchan reached down to grab his bag, digging through it for the little panda-shaped pill box Donghun had bought him as a joke when they’d discovered that it was really annoying for Yuchan to have to constantly carry around multiple pill bottles in order to make sure he took his medication properly.Although he’d originally balked at the idea of using something so ridiculous looking, Yuchan had realized that the panda-shaped box actually helped him hide the fact that he was taking anticonvulsants most of the time.The cuteness had sort of grown on him over time, and Yuchan had decided that he actually liked the little box even though he had to refill it each morning because it wasn’t quite large enough for everything he needed for more than one day.

“ _Aish_ …” Yuchan muttered, as he realized that the box wasn’t in his bag.“I don’t have it… I must have left them at home this morning…”

“But it’s okay, right?You won’t have a seizure just because you’re late taking a dose?” Hojung asked.

Yuchan shook his head.“I should be fine, as long as I take it when we get home,” he replied.“It usually takes missing a couple of doses for anything to happen.But I really can’t afford to forget doses right now, with everything going on.We’re going non-stop, and it’s exhausting…”

“I’ll remind you,” Hojung volunteered.“Get some rest, okay?I’ll wake you up when we get back to the dorm.”

Yuchan smiled, leaning back into his own seat.“Thanks, _hyung_.”Although he was exhausted, Yuchan knew that he couldn’t really fall asleep completely.He needed to shower before he could go to bed, and Yuchan knew from experience that it would be better if he ate something along with his medication so that it wouldn’t upset his stomach.

There was a sudden jolt, and Yuchan felt his whole body being thrown forward into the back of the empty seat in front of him, forcing all of the air out of his lungs before he felt his body slide into the floor in front of his seat.The pain was almost blinding for a moment as everything finally stopped moving around him.

“Is everyone okay?” Kwangsuk asked, calling out from the front of the van.Yuchan couldn’t really make out anyone else’s answers, although he could hear other voices around him.All he could really do was try to breathe through the pain in his chest and hope for someone to help him.

Yuchan couldn’t understand what was going on around him; between the fact that his head was hurting from the accident and that he wasn’t wearing his hearing aids, everything was too muffled and jumbled for him to make sense of it.It wasn’t until he felt Hojung putting a hand on the back of his neck that Yuchan even realized that anyone was talking to him.“Yuchan- _ah_?Talk to me…”

“ _Yah_ … wasn’t he wearing a seatbelt?” Kwangsuk asked.Yuchan felt someone’s hands moving to hold his head still.“Yuchan- _ah_ , are you okay?”

“Hurts…” he replied, closing his eyes.

“He got thrown against the seat,” Hojung commented.“ _Hyung_ , he missed his last dose of his medication…”

“It’ll be okay,” Kwangsuk’s voice reassured.“We’ll make sure he gets it at the hospital, and it’ll be fine.”Yuchan did his best to force more oxygen in his lungs, but every breath felt like someone was stabbing him in the chest and Yuchan couldn’t help whimpering in pain.“Hojung- _ah_ , go check on Kijoong- _ah_ and Hyunggeun- _ah_.I’ve got Yuchan- _ah_ … the paramedics should be here any minute…”

Yuchan wasn’t sure how long it was before he could hear the sirens of an ambulance approaching, but it seemed like it took forever.The pain in his chest seemed to only get worse the longer it went on, and Yuchan just wanted it all to go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this chapter is a little short, but I wanted to get something up for y'all before July started because I'm participating in Camp NaNoWriMo. It may very well be August before I update this story again.
> 
> The good news, though, is that my Camp NaNo project is another A.C.E fic - something that I've been thinking about rewriting for a long, long time. If you like angst, you're going to love it.


	17. Pain

Yuchan stared up at the ceiling of the small hospital room, more than a little disoriented by the pain medication he’d been given for his cracked ribs.Everything felt a little floaty and distant, although Yuchan certainly wasn’t going to complain if it meant that he could breathe without feeling as though he was being stabbed in the chest.Yuchan was surprised when he felt someone placing a hand on his shoulder to get his attention.

“How are you feeling, Channie?”Yuchan smiled up at Euijin as the older man sat down next to his bed.

“Floaty…” Yuchan began, smiling.Euijin chuckled slightly at his response, although Yuchan wasn’t quite sure what was so funny about his description.“Is that funny?”

“I’m going to take that to mean that you’re feeling pretty good right now,” Euijin replied, shaking his head.

“I’m good,” Yuchan replied.“We’re still recording tomorrow, right?”

“ _Yah_ … you aren’t going anywhere tomorrow,” Euijin commented.“You have multiple fractured ribs, and the only reason you aren’t hurting right now is because they have you on a ridiculous amount of painkillers.The recording is cancelled for now - half the group is either injured or being kept overnight for observation.And those of us that are okay will be too sore to dance for the next couple of days.Right now, the company is talking with everyone’s originalcompanies about how to proceed…”

The older man’s words were sobering enough to bring him back to reality, at least to some degree.“Someone called my parents?” he asked.

“The managers got in touch with everyone’s emergency contacts,” Euijin replied.“Most of us have called home to let our own parents know we’re okay.I can call your mom so that you can talk to her, if you want…”

“Please… my mom is going to be worried.I’ve worried her enough already…” Yuchan replied.He turned back to watch as Euijin nodded, pulling out his phone and getting ready to dial.Yuchan rattled off his mother’s cell phone number, knowing that it would be better for him to talk to the woman as soon as possible.

The biggest issue with Yuchan’s plan became apparent when his mother answered the phone.Although Yuchan could hear noise coming from Eujin’s phone, he couldn’t make out the words despite the fact that it was turned on speakerphone.Yuchan couldn’t help feeling sick at the realization, knowing that he wasn’t going to be able to reassure his mother that he was okay if he couldn’t even understand her questions.

“Mrs. Kang?My name is Lee Euijin… I’m one of Yuchan- _ah_ ’s _hyungs_ from UNB.”Yuchan mouthed his thanks to Euijin as the older man seemed to realize that he wasn’t going to be able to participate in the conversation with his mother in that moment.Although Yuchan could make out a word here and there in his mother’s response, he really couldn’t understand well enough to actually respond to anything she said.“No, no… Yuchan- _ah_ is okay.He doesn’t have his hearing aids right now, and we didn’t realize that he wouldn’t be able to have a conversation with you until you’d already answered the phone.”

“I’m okay, _eomma_ ,” Yuchan commented, in what he hoped was a lull in the conversation taking place between his mother and the eldest of his _hyungs_.

“Yuchan- _ah_ has a few fractured ribs, but his doctor said that they’re all stable fractures and he isn’t concerned as long as Yuchan- _ah_ is given enough to time to heal,” Euijin explained, clearly either answering a question from his mother or anticipating something that would come up.There was another moment of silence, before the man continued.“They’re giving him painkillers to keep him comfortable tonight so that he can rest, which is part of why they’re keeping him overnight.But as long as nothing changes overnight, he should be released sometime tomorrow.”

There was another moment when Yuchan could hear that his mother was saying something, but he couldn’t make out whatever she was saying.It wasn’t until Euijin spoke again that Yuchan even had an idea of what was being said.“They’re making sure that he gets his anticonvulsants, too,” Euijin commented.“He really is okay, Mrs. Kang - a lot of our members were injured in the accident, but none of the injuries were serious.Mostly they just need time to rest and heal, Yuchan- _ah_ included.”

Euijin motioned for Yuchan to say something to his mother that would reassure her that things were okay.“I’m not even hurting right now, _eomma_ … they’re making sure I’m not in any pain,” he commented.“I’m going to be okay.I promise.”

Euijin smiled, before turning the phone back to himself.“If it’s alright with you, I’m going to save your number so that I can call you if anything changes.But everyone is sure that Yuchan- _ah_ will make a complete recovery in a month or so.And the company is working on deciding what to do about the comeback so that everyone has time to heal.They’re doing everything they can to make sure that no one has long-term issues from going back to work too soon after their injuries.”

Yuchan’s mother was talking again, and he watched as Euijin relaxed slightly.“Please don’t worry, Mrs. Kang.Yuchan- _ah_ has plenty of _hyungs_ who will take care of him.We’ll make sure that he’s okay,” Euijin replied, smiling at Yuchan and reaching out with his free hand to smooth down Yuchan’s hair.“I’ll make sure that we find his hearing aids and his phone tomorrow, so that he can have an actual conversation with you.”

Knowing that his mother wasn’t stressed out about his wellbeing definitely made Yuchan feel better about the whole situation, and he found himself starting to feel the exhaustion from the day’s events hitting him again.His eyes started to close on their own, helped along by Euijin stroking his hair as the older man finished the phone call with Yuchan’s mother and made sure that she was comfortable with not being in Seoul with him.

Yuchan didn’t remember falling asleep.But he was definitely well aware when the pain medication he’d been given had worn off enough that he could feel his injured ribs aching with each breath.He couldn’t help groaning, which seemed to wake up whoever had been sitting with him because he felt someone take one of his hands and squeeze it gently.Yuchan forced his eyes open, thankful to see that Euijin was still sitting there with him.“ _Hyung_ … hurts…”

“I’m sure,” Euijin commented, as the older man moved to press a button on the side of the bed.“You’ve been out for a while - the painkillers have probably already worn off.We’ll get a nurse to come give you another dose.”

Yuchan nodded slowly, letting his eyes close again until he felt Euijin squeezing his hand again.He turned towards the man, thankful to see a nurse standing next to him and checking on the IV attached to the back of his hand.Unfortunately, Yuchan couldn’t make out what the woman was saying, as her back was to him.“What…?”

The woman continued talking without looking at Yuchan, although thankfully Euijin seemed to figure out the problem fairly quickly.“Excuse me, but he’s hard of hearing… you’ll need to face him, so that he can answer your questions,” the older man interrupted.

It was fairly obvious that the nurse was perturbed by having to repeat herself again as she finally turned to face Yuchan for the first time.“I _asked_ what you need… it’s four in the morning…”

Yuchan could see that Euijin was getting upset with the woman, but he didn’t give his _hyung_ a chance to respond for him.“The pain medication is wearing off,” Yuchan replied, knowing that it was likely obvious that he was telling the truth given the fact that he couldn’t exactly hide the strained sound of his voice as he tried to get the words out without taking too large of a breath.

“I’ll bring you something for the pain,” the nurse replied curtly, before hurrying out of the room before either Yuchan or Euijin could say anything else.

“ _Yah_ … someone really shouldn’t be a nurse…” Euijin muttered, although it was probably louder than necessary because Yuchan could hear the words.He wanted to respond, but the thought of doing anything that made his chest hurt any more than it already did was _not_ appealing in that moment.All he really wanted was to get some kind of relief from the pain in his chest.“If she isn’t back soon, I’ll go out there and hurry her up.There’s no reason for you to be in pain…”

Yuchan nodded.“Thank you, _hyung_ …”


	18. Going Home

“You look a lot better this morning.”Yuchan smiled at Kwangsuk as the older man walked up to his bed, waking up Euijin who had been sleeping in a chair next to Yuchan’s bed.“How are you feeling?”The leader’s voice was slightly lower once he was sure that he had Yuchan’s attention.

“Okay… it still hurts to breathe, but it’s bearable,” Yuchan replied.“How is everyone else?”

“Hyunggeun- _ah_ was released a few minutes ago - he has a concussion and he’s pretty sore, but his doctors said he’ll be fine in a couple of weeks as long as he gets some rest.Kijoong- _ah_ ’s collarbone is cracked and he’s bruised up pretty badly.He’ll probably be released today, too.” 

Yuchan nodded at Kwangsuk’s explanations, glad to hear that none of the other members were seriously injured.“So everyone is okay?”

“Yeah - just sore, and a little shaken up,” Kwangsuk replied.“The company is trying to work out a deal to delay our final comeback until everyone is able to perform, but if it doesn’t work out they’ll likely just announce our disbandment…”

Yuchan closed his eyes at the news, unsure of how he really felt about the idea that UNB might disband before they could come back.“So this could be it - we could be over?” Yuchan asked, opening his eyes again.

“It’s possible,” Kwangsuk replied.“It’s their last option, only if they aren’t able to figure out a way for all of us to be available at the same time.No one wants to just call it quits, but we’re at the mercy of the contracts we signed… unless all of our companies agree to an extension of the contract terms, there’s nothing else the company can do.”

“Maybe it’s better this way…” Yuchan began, taking the deepest breath he could manage given his injuries.“I shouldn’t have tried to come back, after everything that happened.I just didn’t want to let anyone down… but it looks like that’s all I can do.Every time I try to pull this off, something goes wrong…”

“You can’t say things like that, Yuchan- _ah_ ,” Euijin commented, moving into Yuchan’s line of sight.“You’ve had a rough year, sure.But that doesn’t mean that you should give up on your dreams…”

“It hasn’t even been a year,” Kwangsuk commented.“You haven’t really been given a chance to heal… you weren’t even on the proper dosage of your anticonvulsant medication for most of the time you were working.You can’t make a decision like this without giving yourself enough time to properly heal and to figure out how to make this work…”

“That’s just it, _hyung_ … it _doesn’t_ work,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.“I can’t do this long-term.I have to accept the fact that being an Idol isn’t in the cards for me.I need to come up with a plan… I need to figure out what I’m going to do, now that I’ve lost out on another one of my dreams…”

Yuchan watched as the two older men exchanged a worried look, clearly unsure of how they should approach the situation.“Yuchan- _ah_ …” Euijin began.

“I know you just want to help, _hyungs_.But I _have_ thought about this.A lot.I’m not making this decision in a rush - I’m just trying to be realistic about what I’m going to be capable of doing, and right now that doesn’t include being an Idol.I don’t know if it ever _will_.And as hard as that is to swallow, it’s a fact that I have to accept.”Yuchan closed his eyes as Kwangsuk reached out to run a hand through his hair, smoothing it out a bit.“Please don’t try to convince me that I’m wrong, _hyung_.”

“You shouldn’t make serious decisions when you’re not in a good place… you’re in pain, and you’re probably still exhausted,” Kwangsuk replied.

“This isn’t something I’m rushing into,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.“I’m serious here… I’ve been thinking about this for a while.And ever since I hit my head, it’s just been even more apparent that I’m wasting my time here.It isn’t fair to anyone for me to keep holding everyone else back, when I know that I can’t keep up.”

Yuchan turned to look at both of the older men as he spoke, even though he knew that he was going to be upset by their reactions to his decision.Both Kwangsuk and Euijin looked as though they’d been slapped, and Yuchan could tell that neither one of his _hyungs_ knew how to respond to his words.

Yuchan could hear someone entering the room, but he couldn’t quite make out what was being said until he looked up to see one of their managers standing there, watching all of them in confusion.“What’s going on?” the man asked, looking at each one of them in turn before landing back at Yuchan.“Is there something wrong?”

“Yuchan- _ah_ is talking about quitting…” Euijin admitted.

The manager turned back to look at Yuchan, shaking his head.“I don’t understand… your injuries aren’t that severe…” the man began.

“It isn’t just about what happened last night…” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.“I’ve been thinking about this on and off since I was sick.It isn’t working out.I’m too much of a burden on everyone else, and I’m just holding everyone back…”

Yuchan could tell that the manager wasn’t sure how to respond, either.The man was clearly trying to look for the right words to say, but Kwangsuk spoke up again before their manager could say anything.“But you _aren’t_ a burden, Channie… no one here thinks of you like that, and you shouldn’t be thinking about yourself like that, either,” the leader replied, shaking his head.“We’re your friends…”

“Which is all the more reason I shouldn’t be forcing all of you to deal with my problems…” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.

“If we minded, don’t you think we would have said something about it when you and Junhee- _yah_ told all of us the truth a month ago?” Euijin asked.“We’ve all _chosen_ to stick with you through all of this, because we know that you’re trying your best and that we’re a better group _with_ you.You’re still a valuable member of this team, no matter what you might think…”

The manager took a deep breath, sighing.“I think it’s better if we have this conversation at a later time,” the man replied.“You should be released in an hour or so… Hyunggeun- _ah_ is already on his way back to the dorm, and I’m going to be driving you and Kijoong- _ah_ home once you’ve been released as well.”

“I want to go home to Jeju- _do_ ,” Yuchan replied shaking his head.“I’m done.Really.”


	19. Rest

Yuchan winced as he got out of the car, leaning against his father for support until he could straighten up completely.“Take it easy… there’s no rush,” the man commented, as Yuchan finally managed to get to the point that he could actually start to walk towards the front door of his family’s home.It had been a long day; although he’d had a couple of days to rest back at the dorm in Seoul, the trip down to Jeju had been uncomfortable and exhausting.Even with his mother there to help him with everything, Yuchan could tell that he’d overdone it and would be spending most of the evening - and likely most of the next day as well - in bed.

“Let’s just get him in bed.There was a lot of turbulence, and he’s been in a lot of pain,” Yuchan’s mother replied. 

“ _Aish_ … I guess the typhoon is going to hit sooner than originally expected,” his father commented.“Channie, do you want anything particular for dinner tonight?We’ll make whatever you want…”

“It’s fine, _Appa_ … I just want to lay down and sleep,” Yuchan replied, as the elder man helped him up their front stairs and into the house.

“You’re home to visit for the first time in years…” his father began.

“ _Yah_ … leave the boy alone.We can make him a proper dinner tomorrow night, once he’s had a chance to rest and get his bearings,” Yuchan’s mother commented.“Yujin- _ah_ and Yubin- _ah_ are still at school?”

“I told them to stay for at least the first half of study hours tonight… I thought Yuchan- _ah_ would be tired, and it would be easier for him to rest if the boys weren’t home,” his father replied.

Yuchan was thankful that his family’s home wasn’t large as his father helped him into the living room, where he was able to sit down on the couch as the man knelt to remove his shoes.“ _Appa_ …” he began to protest.

“You’re injured,” his father replied, cutting off Yuchan’s protests.“Just rest for a few minutes.I’m going to bring you something to drink… flying makes you dehydrated, and we don’t need you getting sick on top of everything else…”Yuchan closed his eyes as his father stroked a hand through his hair.

“I just want to lay down, _Appa_.I’m tired,” Yuchan replied.

“And you’ll get to rest soon… just relax, okay?We’re going to take care of you.”

Yuchan blinked a few times as he woke up in his childhood bedroom, confused as to how he’d ended up in his bed rather than sitting up on the couch in the family’s living room.He could tell that someone had taken off his hearing aids, leaving him unsure of where his family was and whether or not anyone was nearby.Yuchan slowly started to move, pushing himself into a seated position despite the pain from his injured ribs.It took Yuchan a moment to catch his breath once he managed to get himself into a seated position so that he could actually try to get up.

“ _Yah_ … _hyung_ , you’re supposed to be asleep…”Yuchan smiled as one of his younger brothers, Yubin, knelt down in front of him, clearly concerned about the fact that he was trying to get out of bed.“Whatever you need, I can get it…”

“I don’t think you going to the bathroom is going to help my current situation, Yubin- _ah_ ,” Yuchan replied, smiling at the high schooler.“Help me up?”

Yubin was quick to stand up, taking Yuchan’s arm and gently helping him stand up.Yuchan felt a little lightheaded as he tried to catch his breath, but Yubin was there by his side to keep him on his feet.“You’re okay, right?”

“Just lightheaded…” Yuchan began.His brother didn’t look convinced that he was okay, but given everything going on Yuchan didn’t particularly blame the boy.“It’s okay, Binnie… I just need time to rest and heal.I’ll be okay in a few weeks…”

Yubin didn’t respond at first, and Yuchan assumed that the conversation was over as he started to head towards the bathroom.“ _Hyung_ …”Yuchan barely heard his younger brother’s call, but Yubin put a hand on his shoulder as he spoke so that Yuchan knew he needed to pay attention as he turned around to face his younger brother again.“ _Eomma_ said that you aren’t going back to Seoul… that you’re leaving A.C.E and UNB…”

Yuchan nodded slowly.“I have to figure out what I’m going to do now… everything has changed so much this year…”

“I don’t want you to give up, _hyung_ ,” Yubin replied.“You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are… it isn’t fair for you to have to give up on your dreams.”

“Fair doesn’t matter, Binnie,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head slowly.“I’m not going to be able to keep up with promoting long-term.I don’t even know if I would be able to keep up for another set of promotions… the seizures are worse when I’m tired, and I’m _always_ tired when we’re working.The fact that I made it this long without anyone outside of the companies finding out about the seizures is a miracle…”

“It should have been me…” Yubin commented, almost too softly for Yuchan to hear.

“ _Yah_ … I heard that,” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.“You really don’t want this, Binnie.This isn’t something that I would wish on anyone.”

“But if I was the one that had been sick, you would still be able to work…”

Yuchan sighed, shaking his head.“There’s no way of knowing that,” he replied.“I don’t want to think about all of the what-ifs, Binnie.Things have changed, and I have to accept that now.I’m a different person than I was before I got sick.I can’t be the same person I was, now that everything is so fucked up.”

Yuchan could see that his younger brother wasn’t happy with what he’d said, but the boy couldn’t seem to figure out how to respond to what Yuchan had said.“ _Hyung_ … really?”

“I know that it seems like I’m giving up, Yubin- _ah_ ,” Yuchan replied.“I just… I’m so tired.And it’s not because I’m recovering from the accident.It’s because this is all just too much.I _want_ to be an Idol.I want to keep going and pushing myself to do more and be better.But all that pushing myself does is make things worse.When I get too tired, I’m more likely to have seizures.And the seizures are exhausting.”

Yubin took Yuchan’s hand, squeezing it.“I’m sorry, _hyung_.”

It was unnerving for Yuchan to suddenly be coming around after a seizure mid-conversation with his brother, but he could tell that it had been minor given the fact that he was still sitting up on the side of his bed.The only reason Yuchan even knew what had happened was the fact that Yubin was yelling his name, clearly distressed by whatever had happened.“I’m okay, Binnie…” Yuchan replied, as the exhaustion caught up with him.He couldn’t help feeling more than a little embarrassed by the fact that he’d apparently lost control of his bladder during the seizure, even though he knew that it wasn’t something he had any way of stopping.“I need to change clothes…”

“Was that a seizure?” Yubin asked, as their mother hurried into the room.

“What happened?” their mother added, before Yuchan could answer his younger brother’s question.

“His hand was jerking around a lot, and he wouldn’t respond to anything…” Yubin began.

“It was a mild seizure,” Yuchan commented.“Please… I just need to clean up, and then I need to sleep…”

“Yubin- _ah_ , help me get him to the bathroom…”


	20. Miss You

“ _Hyung_ … I miss you,” Yuchan said, answering his cell phone as soon as he saw Junhee’s name pop up on the caller ID.At some point, someone had set up his phone so that the device could be connected to his hearing aids with the flip of a switch.It was almost as good as being able to actually see the person that was talking to him, although it could still be a little difficult to completely understand everything if there was a lot of noise going on in the background on the other end of the line.

“ _I miss you, too, Channie… how are you doing?_ ” the older man asked.Yuchan sat down on the sofa in his parents’s living room as the older man spoke, thankful that his brothers were at school and his father was at work.As much as he loved his family, Yuchan also missed having some degree of privacy.Yuchan’s younger brothers were great, but they wanted to be around him constantly given the fact that they hadn’t seen much of him since he’d left home at sixteen.It was exhausting to constantly have other people around, especially given the fact that he had to do so much work just in order to hear what was being said.

“I’m tired, _hyung_ …” Yuchan admitted.“I love my family, but I don’t think anyone other than _eomma_ understands how difficult it is for me to keep up.”

“Yah _… you should tell them, Channie.They aren’t going to understand if you aren’t telling them that you’re struggling,_ ” Junhee replied.“ _I can call you later, if you need to rest.Your brothers are at school right now, right?_ ”

“I’d rather talk to you,” Yuchan answered.“I know that I chose this, but I wish I wasn’t so far away.I wish that I could still hang out with you guys…”

There was a moment of silence, before Junhee replied.“ _You could always come back._ ”

“You know I can’t do that, _hyung_ ,” Yuchan replied.“I need to move on… it isn’t worth all of the stress, trying to keep up with everything that’s involved in being an Idol.No matter how much I love it, the fact is that it just makes everything else worse.I can’t hear well enough to work the way I used to work, and the extra effort and exhaustion just make me seize more often no matter what I do.”

“ _You know that none of us mind…_ ”

“But _I_ mind, _hyung_ ,” Yuchan interrupted, even though he knew that it was rude.“It isn’t just about the fact that it inconveniences all of you… every time I have a seizure, there’s the risk of brain damage.And they aren’t stopping, _hyung_.They’ve been mild, but I’ve had at least one seizure every day since I came home…”

“Aish _, Channie… what has the doctor said?_ ”

Yuchan sighed, closing his eyes.“I haven’t been to see the neurologist here in Jeju yet,” he replied.“I have an appointment tomorrow, but since the epilepsy has never really been under control there was no reason to go to the hospital or try to push the appointment forward. _Eomma_ called Dr. Byun’s office and they said to just track them unless they got really bad…”

“ _I don’t understand why they aren’t getting better with the medication…_ ” the leader commented.

“I’m not even sure _they_ know why they won’t stop,” Yuchan replied.“I think I might be having seizures in my sleep, too… I’m still so tired when I wake up in the morning.And I think it’s screwing with my brain, because I keep forgetting things that I should _know_.”

There was a much longer pause in the conversation at that, before Junhee was able to respond to Yuchan’s comments.“ _You think it’s actually getting worse?_ ”

“I’m almost positive it is…” Yuchan replied, sighing and letting his head rest back against the couch. 

“ _Yuchan-_ ah _!Channie, talk to me!!_ ”The panic in Junhee’s voice broke through the haze of exhaustion as Yuchan forced his eyes open, wincing at how much he was hurting in that moment.“Yah _… Donghun-_ hyung _, call Yuchan-_ ah _’s mother… I think he’s having a seizure!_ ”

Yuchan tried to respond to the older man, but the fact that he couldn’t get his brain and his mouth to connect again told Yuchan that Junhee was right and he’d had another serious seizure in the midst of their phone call.All he could manage was a weak groan, as his mother hurried into the room to check on him with the phone still to her ear.“Yuchan- _ah_?” the woman asked, as she hurried to his side.He groaned again, hoping that it would be obvious to the woman that he couldn’t really respond in that moment.“Tell Junhee- _ssi_ that he’s okay… he’s just starting to come around now.I’m going to hang up their call so that I can get him settled, but he’ll be able to call back in a few hours.”

Yuchan couldn’t really keep his eyes open as his mother took his phone, before helping him shift his position on the couch so that he could be a bit more comfortable.“It’s okay, Channie.Everything is going to be fine.”

There was a hand stroking through his hair when Yuchan finally managed to wake up enough to understand what was going on around him.“How many seizures has he had?” Yuchan’s father asked.

“One bad one while he was on the phone with Junhee- _yah_ , and at least two smaller ones in his sleep since then,” his mother replied.“He’s getting worse… I know that his seizures haven’t ever been under control, but they seem to just be coming more and more often as we get further out from his illness.It scares me…”

“His neurologist appointment is tomorrow, right?”Yuchan forced his eyes open to see his mother nodding in response to his father’s question.“I want to come with you, too… I want to understand what’s happening here, so that I’m not asking questions that you don’t know how to answer…”

“Yuchan- _ah_ would have to say it’s okay… he’s an adult, he doesn’t have to let us be there when he meets with the doctor at all,” his mother commented.

“It’s okay,” Yuchan replied.“If you want to come, I’m okay with that.”Yuchan could see his parents turning to look at him, both smiling as though they didn’t want him to see their concerns.“I don’t want to go in there alone… I don’t even really know what’s going on…”

“We’ll figure it out,” his mother replied, shaking her head as she stroked a hand through his hair.“We should get you something to eat.You slept through lunch, and we need to make sure you stay as healthy as possible.”

Yuchan shook his head, closing his eyes.“I’m tired, _Eomma_ …”

“I know, sweetie.But you need to eat… you barely ate breakfast, and I’m worried that you’ll go to sleep and miss dinner, too, if you don’t get anything to eat right now,” his mother replied.“At least try to drink a protein shake, Channie… we need to get _something_ in your stomach.”

“Okay,” Yuchan replied, forcing his eyes open again and nodding at the suggestion.He knew that his mother was right; he needed to eat, or he was going to end up much sicker than he already was.

“Just try to stay awake for a little while longer,” his father replied, smiling as the man squeezed his knee.“Once you have something in your stomach, you can go lay down…”

Yuchan shook his head.“If I’ve been seizing in my sleep, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Yuchan replied.“I don’t want to risk choking if I got sick during a seizure.At the very least I don’t need to be in my room alone.”

“Right… I hadn’t thought about that,” his father replied, sighing.“I’m sorry for not being around more during all of this.I should have been there for you and your mother during the worst of it all…”

“Yujin- _ah_ and Yubin- _ah_ needed you here,” Yuchan replied.“I know why you weren’t there, _Appa_.You needed to be here at home, to take care of everything else while _Eomma_ was taking care of me.It isn’t your fault.”

“We could have visited…” his father began.

“Please, _Appa_ … don’t feel guilty,” Yuchan interrupted softly.“This has all become so much worse than any of us ever expected.And it’s a lot to learn.You haven’t had to live with all of this for very long…”

“I should have learned _before_ you had to move back home,” his father replied.“I should have at least learned about first aid for seizures when you were first diagnosed.I’m your father, and I need to know how to help you if something were to happen.”

“ _Yah_ … let him rest,” Yuchan’s mother commented, as she came back into the room with the promised drink.“Being overtired makes his seizures worse, and the seizures themselves wear him out… it’s probably best if he naps again after he finishes his drink.”


	21. Admission

Yuchan watched silently as the nurse finished placing the IV access in the back of his hand, taping the tube so that it would be readily accessible if it was needed during his admission.Yuchan hadn’t wanted to be hospitalized, but after his neurologist appointment the previous day it had been decided that they needed more information about what was going on with his seizures.Although it had required coordinating with a hospital in Busan because not all of the necessary testing could take place in his hometown, Yuchan found himself in the room that would be his home for the next week or so shortly after lunch.He’d almost immediately been given a pair of hospital pajamas to wear, before the nurse had set up to install the IV port.

“Someone will be here in a little while to set up the EEG.Were you able to eat anything for lunch before you got here?” the nurse asked.

“We were running late… the ferry was delayed,” Yuchan replied as he shook his head.

“I’ll call down to the kitchen and have them bring you a tray,” the nurse commented, as she finished cleaning up everything she had used to finish getting him admitted.“We’re going to talk to your neurologists to verify doses and timing of your medications, so that our doctors can be sure that we are following the correct protocol and that it isn’t some kind of medication error causing you to continue to seize.Other than the continuous video-recorded EEG, we’re going to wait until tomorrow to start with any of the tests, so that you can get some rest and we can get some baseline readings of your seizures.”

Yuchan nodded, leaning back in the bed.“So… I’m just here.Doing nothing.”

The nurse smiled.“You’re allowed to watch TV or use any electronics you may have brought.Though nothing with a seizure warning, because we don’t want you to trigger any seizures right now.We may try to trigger some seizures later this week, but for right now we just want to focus on getting data on what’s been going on since you were involved in that car accident.”

Yuchan nodded.“What about the hearing aids?They aren’t going to be a problem, are they?” he asked.

“Not at all,” the nurse replied, shaking her head.“You’ll have to remove them for the CT scan and your neurologist may ask you to remove them for a portion of the test so that they can verify what is normal brain activity for you and what is an anomaly, but for most of your stay you’ll be allowed to use them as needed.It will be noted in your chart that you wear them, as well as on the actual results themselves.”

“What about my mother?Will she be able to stay with me?” Yuchan asked.“She drove me up from Jeju- _do_ …”

“Privacy laws prevent parents from staying with adult patients full-time.But we’ll be able to get the two of you in touch with someone who can help organize a place for her to stay nearby so that she can visit regularly, if needed,” the nurse replied.

Yuchan took a deep breath, nodding again.“Thank you.”

“I’ll send your mother in when she gets here,” the nurse replied, patting his knee gently before she left the small room.

The hospital room really wasn’t much, although it was private.Yuchan could see the camera in one corner of the room that was trained on his bed, so that they would be able to record whatever was happening in the room as they monitored Yuchan’s seizures for the next week or so.The walls were fairly plain but the room was at least a private one, with its own small bathroom and a window that looked out into the city.There was also a television on the wall, and a small table with two chairs next to the bed.It would have been almost cozy, except for the fact that Yuchan couldn’t help but be overly aware that it was a hospital room thanks to the medical equipment on the wall behind him.

“Kang Yuchan- _ssi_?”Yuchan smiled as a young tech came into the room with a cart full of some kind of equipment he didn’t recognize.“I’m here to set up for the EEG.How are you feeling this afternoon?”

“Fine.Kind of hungry, but the nurse is trying to get me something for lunch,” Yuchan replied.

“That’s good.Hopefully it won’t take long for them to get you something to eat.I’m going to have you sit over here in one of these chairs while I’m putting the electrodes on your scalp, so that it’s a little easier to apply all of them properly.Once we have you all set up, you’ll be able to get back in the bed if you want.The whole system is portable, so you’ll be able to move around the room and go to the restroom and all of that.”Yuchan nodded, moving over to the chair the tech had indicated so that she could get to work.

The whole process took longer than Yuchan had expected, and despite the fact that it was a little awkward Yuchan couldn’t help starting to fall asleep as he sat in the chair waiting for the tech to be finished setting everything up.It wasn’t until he felt someone shaking him awake that Yuchan even realized that he’d fallen asleep sitting up.“Yuchan- _ah_?Are you okay?”The tech looked worried as he blinked a few times, trying to process why she was so stressed out by whatever had happened.

“Huh?”

“Was that a seizure?” the tech asked.

“No… I fell asleep…” Yuchan replied, shaking his head.

“He can sleep anywhere.”Yuchan looked up to see his mother coming into the room, smiling as she sat down in the second chair at the table.“Yuchan- _ah_ trained as an Idol from the time he was sixteen… if he’s sitting for any length of time when he doesn’t have to do anything, he can fall asleep.And he will, if you’ll let him.”

“If I didn’t learn to sleep like this, I wouldn’t have gotten to sleep at all,” Yuchan replied in his own defense.“I would have school all day, and then rehearsal most of the night.Or we would be busking to get our names out there.And then I had to study to keep up at school, because I still wanted to go to college…”

“He was always a good student,” his mother added, reaching out and taking his hand.“Hopefully you’ll be able to head back to school once we get all of this sorted out and get your seizures under control…”

“Yubin- _ah_ will be at university by the time I’m able to go back at this rate,” Yuchan replied.

“It shouldn’t take that long,” his mother replied, shaking her head.“Hopefully, these tests will get to the bottom of what’s going on and we’ll be able to get you on the correct medication to stop your seizures…”

Yuchan sighed, closing his eyes.“I really don’t think it’s going to be that easy.”


	22. Decline

Junhee couldn’t help feeling concerned as he read through the text messages he’d received from Yuchan’s mother that morning during rehearsal.Although Yuchan had gone home saying that he wouldn’t be back, no official decisions regarding his future with the group had been made and Yuchan’s parents were still keeping Junhee up on what was happening with the _maknae_.And what he was seeing from the _maknae_ ’s mother was definitely concerning.

“Junhee- _yah_?What’s wrong?” Donghun asked softly, as the elder walked over and obviously tried to hide Junhee’s face from their other members. 

“Yuchan- _ah_ is in the ICU…” Junhee replied, keeping his voice down.“He aspirated his own vomit during a seizure last night, and it’s fucked up his ability to breathe.He’s running a fever, and they had to intubate him this morning because he couldn’t keep his oxygen levels up… his mother said that there’s some kind of infection in his lungs that they’re trying to treat.”

“ _Aish_ … that’s bad…” Donghun began.

“What’s bad?” Sehyoon asked, as he and Byeongkwan walked closer to the corner where Junhee had been checking his phone.

“Yuchan- _ah_ ’s okay, right?” Byeongkwan added, obviously concerned despite the fact that no one else had mentioned the _maknae_ ’s name.“Did you hear something from his parents?”

“Yuchan- _ah_ ’s in the ICU… something got into his lungs during a seizure, and he developed a fever because of the infection it caused.They’ve intubated him to keep his oxygen levels up…” Junhee replied, sighing.“I don’t know anything more than that, but his mother said that she would update me when there was something to tell us…”

There was a moment of silence, before Sehyoon turned and made his way to the couch.He sat down heavily as the rest of the group watched, burying his face in his hands.“I can’t keep watching this happen to him… I don’t want to watch him die…”

“He isn’t going to die…” Byeongkwan began.

“He’s in the hospital with a fucking lung infection because he had a seizure and no one was there to protect him!” Sehyoon screamed, clearly losing his temper.Byeongkwan started to move towards the elder, but Junhee put a hand on the youngest’s chest and shook his head, stopping him from getting closer to the angry man.Junhee knew from experience that the best thing to do was to give Sehyoon space when he was upset, without actually leaving him alone.“We could have stopped this… we _should_ have stopped this!We knew that he wasn’t feeling well, but we didn’t _do_ anything!”

“Boys… take a walk.”Junhee was surprised when he heard their CEO from behind him.None of them had noticed that the woman had arrived, but she looked upset by what she’d walked in on at that moment. 

“ _Huijangnim_ … he’s upset…” Donghun began softly, trying to calm the situation down.

“I know, Donghun- _ah_ ,” the woman replied, shaking her head.“Please… just give me some time to talk to him alone.I don’t want there to be an issue between the members - I’d rather him be upset with me than one of you.”

Junhee nodded, putting a hand on Byeongkwan’s shoulder to guide him towards the door as Donghun followed the two of them and they headed up to the street level from their basement practice room.“He’s right, though… we all knew that Yuchan- _ah_ was sick.If we’d done something to _make_ him go to the hospital sooner, before that first seizure… maybe this all would have stopped _before_ it got this bad.Maybe we wouldn’t be sitting here waiting to find out whether or not our _maknae_ is going to die…” Byeongkwan commented, once they were out of the room.

“He isn’t dying, Byeongkwan- _ah_ ,” Donghun began.

“He isn’t _breathing_ , _hyung_ ,” Byeongkwan replied.The younger man squatted down at the top of the stairs, burying his face in his hands.“What happens if we lose him?”

Junhee sat down, putting an arm around the younger man.“We can’t think about losing him, Byeongkwan- _ah_ ,” he replied softly.

“But it’s a serious possibility here… he’s still so sick…” Byeongkwan replied, shaking his head.“I don’t understand why it’s always Yuchan- _ah_.Why he always has to be the one to get sick, or hurt, or whatever… he’s such a good kid.”

Donghun joined them on the floor, rubbing Byeongkwan’s back, too.“I don’t understand it either, Byeongkwan- _ah_ ,” the eldest commented softly.“All I know is that this is what we have to deal with.Yuchan- _ah_ … he’s a fighter, and he’s going to pull through all of this.”

“But he isn’t going to be the same…” Byeongkwan began, shaking his head.“We’re never going to have our _maknae_ back.And I don’t know if I can handle losing him like this…”


	23. Goodbyes

Junhee didn’t know how he felt as he sat in the hospital waiting room, surrounded by other people that cared about Yuchan.He’d been blindsided by the phone call the previous evening that Yuchan’s doctors had declared him brain dead, and he and the rest of the group had made the trip down to Busan early that morning so that they could be there to say goodbye before Yuchan’s family pulled him off life support.There had simply been too much going on for Yuchan’s body to continue fighting; the antibiotics for his lung infection hadn’t been effective, and as he’d gotten more ill the younger man’s seizures had become uncontrollable.Nothing his doctors had done could stop Yuchan from declining, and despite the fact that Yuchan’s parents had warned them that there was little chance of Yuchan coming out of this without severe brain damage it had still been an unwelcome surprise.The seizures had only stopped shortly before the doctors had determined that there was no more brain activity, and that there was no chance of recovery.

Junyoung had joined them at their dorm the previous evening, foregoing his own schedules to help Junhee contact the other members of UNB as well as the rest of their friends from The Unit to let everyone know that they would soon be saying goodbye to the _maknae_.The younger man had even made the ride down to Busan with them, still texting people to let them know what was happening as they were able to get contact information and get in touch with everyone.Although the younger man had been extremely close with Yuchan, he was still much calmer about everything than the members of A.C.E could bring themselves to be, and his presence had been a welcome relief for the members of A.C.E because he was able to take care of things that they weren’t ready to deal with in that moment.

“You should try to eat something,” Junyoung commented, as the younger man held out a bottle of water to Junhee.Hospital policy limited them to only two visitors at a time in the ICU with Yuchan, and Junhee had sent Byeongkwan and Donghun to say their goodbyes first.Their manager had convinced Sehyoon to take a walk and calm himself down before he took his turn with the younger man, because Sehyoon was still angry about the entire situation and struggling to keep his composure.

“I should have made him go to the hospital earlier, when we first realized that he was sick,” Junhee commented, shaking his head.“It’s been months since it all started, but that’s still the only thing I can think about every time something gets worse…”

Junyoung sighed, sitting down and putting an arm around Junhee’s shoulders.“You can’t keep beating yourself up over all of this, _hyung_ ,” Junyoung replied softly.“We all did everything we could to help him…”

“But that’s just it… I _didn’t_ ,” Junhee replied, shaking his head.“I wouldn’t let Yuchan- _ah_ give up on his dream, even though I knew that it wasn’t the best thing for him.That continuing to work was only going to make things worse because of the exhaustion and stress… _I_ didn’t want him to give up.”

“Yuchan- _ah_ didn’t want to give up, either,” Junyoung replied, shaking his head.“We all knew that it wasn’t a good idea, but we supported Yuchan- _ah_ anyway because we didn’t want to face the reality that he wasn’t going to be able to keep going like this.He wanted to be an Idol, just as much as we wanted him to be in our groups.”

“I didn’t think that something like this would be how he would go, you know?” Junhee asked, shaking his head.“Yuchan- _ah_ was struggling with the seizures, but I didn’t think he would actually end up dying from complications of one…”

There was a long moment of silence, before Junhee felt the younger man putting an arm around his shoulders.“None of us saw this coming… I don’t think that anyone would have thought this might happen,” Junyoung replied.“Yuchan- _ah_ never seemed to be that sick.He would have seizures, but after a little while he would be himself again…”

Junhee nodded.“I think we saw a little more of how he was struggling, just because we spent more time with him - especially as things got worse,” Junhee replied.“I’m not even sure if _he_ realized just how bad things had gotten, up until the very end.”

“Junhee- _yah_.”Junhee looked up at the sound of Donghun’s voice, taking a deep breath as he saw the tears in the older man’s eyes and the fact that Byeongkwan seemed unable to look up from the floor.“You should go in…”Junhee nodded, motioning for Junyoung to join him in Yuchan’s hospital room.

Seeing Yuchan in the ICU bed was devastating.While he had known logically that Yuchan was on life support and that he would look just like he had when he’d been in the hospital with meningitis several months earlier, it was still shocking to see just how small and pale the younger man looked.Junhee couldn’t even bring himself to move away from the door at first, watching as Junyoung approached the bed and began talking to Yuchan’s lifeless form.“Hey, Channie…”The younger man gently ran a hand through Yuchan’s hair, carefully avoiding the tubes coming out of Yuchan’s mouth and nose.“I can’t believe that we’re having to say goodbye…”

“We shouldn’t be having to say goodbye…” Junhee replied, shaking his head.“This isn’t right.He shouldn’t be dying…”Junhee made his way across the small room, leaning over to press a kiss against Yuchan’s forehead.“I can’t imagine going back to work after all of this.To go back on stage without him… I don’t know that I _want_ to do that…”

“You know that Channie wouldn’t want you to stop trying,” Junyoung replied.“He would be upset if any of us stopped pushing and trying to be successful.”

Junhee sighed, nodding.“I know,” he replied.“I just… I don’t want to do any of this without him.We’ve done so much together, I can’t imagine finally getting what we’ve worked so hard for and _not_ having Yuchan- _ah_ by my side,” Junhee replied.There was a prolonged silence as the two men sat with Yuchan.Junhee couldn’t help hoping for some signs of life from the boy.There was nothing other than the steady rise and fall of his chest, assisted by the ventilator that was breathing for Yuchan.Although Junhee hated to admit it, Yuchan was already gone.

“I’m going to go so that I can let Sehyoon- _ssi_ come in,” Junyoung commented after a while, moving to stroke Yuchan’s hair again.

“I’m not ready to say goodbye yet…” Junhee commented softly.

“You should stay, _hyung_.Take the time you need to say goodbye,” Junyoung replied, moving to squeeze Junhee’s shoulder as he left the small room.

Junhee knew that he would only have a few minutes alone with Yuchan, and he sighed and leaned over to rest his forehead against Yuchan’s for a moment.“I’m sorry, Channie… I’m so sorry for not doing a better job of taking care of you.I should have been a better _hyung_.Then maybe none of this would have happened to you…”


	24. The End

Junhee tugged at the cuffs of his dress shirt, making sure that they looked right beneath his black suit jacket.This was the last thing he would be doing for Yuchan; Yuchan’s parents had asked all of the members of A.C.E to take part in the funeral service, and they had all agreed.The four of them would be helping Yuchan’s younger brothers carry his coffin out after the service, before Yuchan was taken to be cremated.

“Are you ready, _hyung_?”Junhee turned to look at Byeongkwan as the younger man walked out of their hotel room’s bathroom.It was obvious that the younger man had been crying as he’d gotten ready; no amount of makeup was going to cover the younger man’s puffy eyes or running nose.Junhee understood; if he hadn’t spent half of the night crying, he probably would have been in the same position in that moment.

“As ready as I can be…” Junhee replied, shaking his head.“I don’t think any of us are really ready to do this and actually say goodbye.”

Byeongkwan took a deep breath, sighing.“I don’t think I can do this, _hyung_ ,” the younger man commented, as he moved to sit down on the foot of one of the beds.“I’m going to break down in front of everyone…”

“Everyone is going to understand, Byeongkwan- _ah_ ,” Junhee replied, moving to sit next to the younger man and putting an arm around his shoulders.“You’ve seen the way Choice have reacted to the news… they’re all upset, too.They’re going to understand.”

“He was our _maknae_.I’ve known him for years… how am I just supposed to say goodbye like this?” Byeongkwan asked softly, letting his head rest against Junhee’s shoulders.

Junhee didn’t know what to say.He didn’t have any answers for the younger man, because he was just as confused about how to deal with what was going on as Byeongkwan was.All he could do in that moment was to hold the younger man, letting Byeongkwan break down again against his shoulder.

Neither of the men moved until there was a knock at their hotel room door, which prompted Junhee to stand up and move to answer it with tears still in his eyes.He honestly wasn’t all that surprised to see Donghun on the other side of the door, looking just as stressed and upset as Junhee felt.“It’s time to leave… we don’t want to be late for the funeral service,” Donghun commented, not looking Junhee in the eye.

“Did you sleep, _hyung_?” Junhee asked softly, reaching up to put a hand on the older man’s shoulder.

Donghun sighed, shaking his head.“Maybe an hour or so… Sehyoon- _ah_ got less,” Donghun replied.“I don’t know if I can do this, Junhee- _yah_.I don’t think I’m ready…”

“None of us are, _hyung_ ,” Byeongkwan commented, as the youngest moved to join them by the door.“He should have survived this… he shouldn’t have been left alone when he was in the hospital.He shouldn’t have ever been that sick.None of this is fair…”

“We should go… Sehyoon- _ah_ is already downstairs waiting for us,” Donghun commented, stepping back so that Junhee and Byeongkwan could follow him down to the lobby.

Everything from that point forward was a bit of a blur for Junhee; he didn’t really have the mental energy to focus on much of anything, and there was so much going on that he wasn’t really able to keep up with much until it was time for them to carry Yuchan’s body out to the hearse that would transport it to the funeral home for cremation.Junhee knew that Yuchan’s parents had already purchased a place in a columbarium on the island, which would serve as his final resting place.

It didn’t fully hit Junhee what was happening until they were lining up, helping Yuchan’s two younger brothers lift the coffin to carry it out to the hearse.He couldn’t stop himself from tearing up as they started out, knowing that he would never see the younger man’s face again.Junhee didn’t care that everyone waiting outside was going to see his tears; the building had been surrounded by fans that had travelled to Jeju in order to be there as the funeral ended, but none of that mattered to Junhee.All he cared about was the fact that he’d lost his _maknae_ \- that his friend was gone, and that he wouldn’t be coming back this time.There was no way to get Yuchan back this time around.

Junhee didn’t attempt to stop his tears from falling as they processed out of the building.He could see that there were dozens of people waiting outside, although they were all being quiet and respectful rather than trying to get anyone’s attention as they walked towards the hearse and carefully pushed the coffin into the back.Junhee was thankful as Donghun immediately pulled him into a hug while the funeral home staff closed the back of the vehicle, knowing that he needed someone there to stop him from breaking down completely.Sehyoon and Byeongkwan were quick to join them, all comforting one another in the only way they knew how.

“It’s going to be okay.We’re going to keep going, because it’s what Yuchan- _ah_ would have wanted us to do,” Sehyoon commented softly.

“He’s still with us.He’ll always be by our side,” Donghun added.

And as much as it hurt, Junhee knew in that moment that the two older men were right.


End file.
